"You seem to be placing more agony on Crimson than she is." You are very right, Sandi. I think part of what bothers me is that in my mind she is happily living without a thought of me anywhere to be found in her mind. Wistfully clicking her heels in the air, taking our S by the hand and marching right over to OM. <---- Not healthy, and I am trying to work through it bothering me.
"I see you as the type of person that wants his life to be tidy and organized. Everrything has a compartment and a label, so to speak. You have all these unanswered questions and unresolved issues that you don't know what to name it or what to do with it."
Right again, Sandi. You have gotten a pretty decent profile of me since I have been here. Am I that transparent? Believe it or not, getting over this quality has been a 180 goal of mine since I started the "inward journey". Dealing with messiness, uncertainty and rolling with it. As it relates to this situation I would give myself a D-. Other things? B+.
"Based on things you've said over time, I also wonder if you feel you have to earn the good things that happen. Most of all be "good enough" to earn your XW's approval."
That makes three whacks right between the eyes, Sandi. I VERY much feel like this is my conscience mind and my sub conscience. I feel like I lost my XW and S due to my actions and need to make amends and earn them back....I guess that what has been driving me for so long. That and, well, the fact that she is still in my heart and I don't want to be a part-time dad to my son.
I think maybe you are close to realizing at this point it becomes her personal problem
Academically, Sandi - I have finally accepted the fact that it REALLY is her personal problem at this point. I was so inwardly directed for so long I stopped looking at her (as well I should have). But now that I have seemingly come to the end of the road for me I can look at her and start to believe something is not altogether "right" in her perception and actions. Not that I can DO anything about it - but who can leave their 18 month old baby after trying to get pregnant for three years? So many things don't add up - and won't. I am trying to drop them.
"She hasn't taken responsibility for her part in the breakdown of the M, and neither has she taken any responsibility (to your knowledge) to gain information in how she could make a difference in her feelings and the R"
Well, as I have noted before - the extent of her responsibility has been "I ALLOWED you to be the way you were". She also said in a rare candid moment when she was living in the house last spring that she "was was broken/not whole when I met her". That's about as deep as it got.
"She wants a dream guy to swoop her off her feet and the romantic, sexual love just knock her over. This is not at all unusal for the WAW's train of thought. Starting a brand new R seems much easier than fixing the old one. But if she sees him long enough, some of that will fade. That is a fact of life."
Part of me, Sandi, sincerely believes that this is what is actually going on. She can't be more that 3-4 months in with OM right now and I know for sure that it is the first relationship she has been in since the D (not counting out brief R attempt). Objectively speaking, it has to feel great. The attention, the bubbly chemicals and so on....all the stuff that isn't inherently present in a 5-6 year marriage marred by 3 years of infertility and coping with the stress of being new parents. Yep.....a "new guy" and new relationship probably looks pretty d@mn good. You...as well as others here and some of my closest friends have also said that it will fade. One good friend that was actually very close to XW at one point said it will be "shorter than a beer buzz".
"It may take your XW dating some other men before she discovers what she gave up. Doesn't make you feel any better, but bottom line is she will have to learn the hard way. As much as we want to help the ones we love, sometimes we just have to step back and let "life" do it."
Maybe she will discover what she gave up. My heart hopes she does...even if I am not available if/when it ever happens. Notwithstanding, after way too much time trying to carve a path for the river with my bare hands I am just going to do my best to let it go where it is supposed to go. My gut tells me that there is still more to be told in this story -- but my days of being an active contributor to it are kind of gone. One of the best things that you or 25 told me was that we can't teach or spouses a lesson about anything...at all...ever. LIFE will always do that for them.
"You said something about how she probably looks at you as being one more man who disappointed her, or let her down. Can't remember exactly how you phrased it, but I gathered she had reason to not think highly of most men. However, as sad as that may be, and as much as you may desire to be all things to her......you still have to let her be on her own and find the way for herself."
Before we met, she had terrible luck with me. Flakey, unmotivated, non-committal, egotistical, flat out lazy, dishonest....she had met them all. She always went out of her way to tell me how I was NONE of that and I was the first man she had dated that was dependable and did what he said he was going to do...that called her when he said he would call every time....that bought her flowers and spoiled her. As cheesy as it may sound she told me once that the song "All The Man I Need" by Whitney Houston always made her think about her life and me....hearing her say that made me feel so good....like I was making a positive impact in her life. She said she was in awe when I proposed and opened that ring box because she didn't think good things like that happened for her....only for other people. I look back at all of those beautiful, kind, sweet words and moments and realize how far I have fallen in her eyes. It makes me sad.
Thanks you, Sandi and everyone for letting me vent. Any input is appreciated.
