But then I remember that I am trying to send a clear message through silence and non-contact - and I stop. Then I ask myself "to what end?" -- why would I even bother communicating or reaching out? I am really drawing a line right now - seemingly for the first time. It feels weird because I do miss her still, and that urge to want to "fix and prove" still lingers - but I am fighting it like crazy.
Some day, after you no longer feel that need to prove yourself to her then, hopefully, you will feel free to send a photo or whatever without it playing havoc with your emotions. At the moment, you are too conflicted. You seem to be placing more agony on Crimson than she is.
I see you as the type of person that wants his life to be tidy and organized. Everrything has a compartment and a label, so to speak. You have all these unanswered questions and unresolved issues that you don't know what to name it or what to do with it.
When you were hit by the first bomb, it sent your world into a tailspin and so many things were out of your control.......which had to have felt frightening. Based on things you've said over time, I also wonder if you feel you have to earn the good things that happen. Most of all be "good enough" to earn your XW's approval. You have constantly second guessed yourself as a result of not receiving her complete acknowledgment/approval. I say "complete" b/c even though she admits you have changed.......it is not enough to make a difference in her "feelings" for you. You have been through the fire, so to speak, but it is still not good enough? I think maybe you are close to realizing at this point it becomes her personal problem. When you become all you can be...and the other person says, "sorry, but no feelings for ya", what more can you expect from yourself? You have been told how you cannot control her. Neither can you control her emotions. We can't force another person to love or accept us for who we are. Which makes sense that if we don't make the improvements for ourselves, and do it only to get back the WAS, those changes will eventually fall by the wayside.
She hasn't taken responsibility for her part in the breakdown of the M, and neither has she taken any responsibility (to your knowledge) to gain information in how she could make a difference in her feelings and the R. She doesn't have the emotional energy/motivation to change herself or put work into the R. She wants a dream guy to swoop her off her feet and the romantic, sexual love just knock her over. This is not at all unusal for the WAW's train of thought. Starting a brand new R seems much easier than fixing the old one. But if she sees him long enough, some of that will fade. That is a fact of life.
It may take your XW dating some other men before she discovers what she gave up. Doesn't make you feel any better, but bottom line is she will have to learn the hard way. As much as we want to help the ones we love, sometimes we just have to step back and let "life" do it.
You said something about how she probably looks at you as being one more man who disappointed her, or let her down. Can't remember exactly how you phrased it, but I gathered she had reason to not think highly of most men. However, as sad as that may be, and as much as you may desire to be all things to her......you still have to let her be on her own and find the way for herself.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
