4th Down And Getting A Little Anxious

[Georgiabelle]

Warning...... This will be long and venty (sadly not the coffee sized drink )

H and I are getting a d. I knew this was coming and I had overall been doing well until yesterday. And then BAM. It hit me. He requested the kids 36 days a year and call this mind reading..,, he can't handle 36 days a year. The woman who was like a grandmother to him died last week. He didn't show at the funeral. He wanted to claim kids on his taxes- I held firm. Must look out for financial security of the kids. He never asks about them and only speaks to the little one. He said all he wanted was one of the 2 dogs. This from the man who went to every doctor's appointment with me and slept in the hospital with me every night after my c-sections. Wants the dog over his kids. Said not being able to write off kids every year would costs him thousands. Told him sorry. I'm raising them so that's the way that works.

If you had told me a year ago this would happen, I would have said that's impossible. How very arrogant of me. I know I not suppose to look, however I check his twitter feed every once in a while. He keeps saying he must burn all of his bridges so he can't go back. His new 25-28 year old friends who know nothing about him keep saying he will be happier.

I feel bad for my kids. Mind reading again, but part of me thinks he just had to let everyone (including his parents and brother go ). Had to go on his for himself. I was angry and I'm now starting to look at him with a true sense of sadness. How truly miserable he must be and how much pain he must be in. How he must be trying to shove it all down. However, as sad as it makes me, I know I can't fix it. It's him. He's gotta own his stuff. I have to raise these. 3 wonderful kids and move on.

I'm sort of relieved that I don't spend time on the future. I used to think I had it all figured out. Ha! I can't control it. So, I'll continue to focus on making me better and enjoying these great kids. Help them become the best they can. I never dreamt they would grow up without their Dad as I knew him. That man is gone. I don't like the one in his place. However, as I've said I wouldn't trade places with him for anything.

When I joined here back in Dec, I thought I might have a different sitch. Mine would be different. Don't we all? Sadly , it's strange how so many are similar. I knew H was going thru MLC but I didn't really understand how destructive they are. I didn't know a person became so selfish and discarded all that was previously important to them. However, I can say I've never witnessed a transformation like this and I've seen a great deal in my life. However, it's been very real.

I don't know what the future holds but I know I will be okay. My kids will be okay. I don't know about h. Perhaps one day we can bd friends again. Sounds so very far off.

Going to work out. This board is a blessing.