Thank you, 25. Honestly, I have never said "I love you" in a letter to her before. In fact, I have not said those three words to her in any way since BD. But I have written at length to her about my journey, my feelings about her, son, our family and so on. She knows how I have felt this whole time. And, I'd be willing to wage, that she counted on silence and withdrawal being my reaction to the OM news. However, I would reckon in her mind that it is "he's mad at me so now he won't be nice to me anymore". She said to C that she was afraid that after she mentioned OM that she wouldn't get pictures and updates about S anymore....she pretty much knew this would be a major "pull-back" point for me.....but to her it is more out of me being vengeful. I can't control her perceptions.
I'll tell you what, 25, I would LOVE to talk to your brothers about how they were able to have a good relationship with OM. Don't get me wrong, I can SEE where it would be important for a bunch of reasons and I can see how it helped their situations....but right now, the mere thought of seeing him holding hands with my XW and playing with my S makes me want to just about vomit. I know time may fix it - but I am just not there yet.
I am really trying to adapt the spiritual philosophy that God is keeping me protected from her right now and that He still has things for her to experience and go through that do not require me. To what end, I truly do not know. But I am trying to have faith in that calm, still voice that told me "Give her back to me. I still have work to do with her and your work had to come first." - may not mean R at all....but at least it is something to have faith in for now....that maybe there is something much, much larger at work here that I am incapable of seeing and/or comprehending right now that will ultimately lead to good.
