Thanks, Sandi....I have really, really been looking for guidance and direction in this department. Honestly, it is a new space for me and I don't know what to do or how to handle it....I am open to all opinions so anyone chime in.
What you said about me really having nothing to lose by going dark and dropping the rope really resonated with me. It's the ONLY thing that I have never truly done. Granted, with OM in the picture I have probably waited far too late (stupid, stupid me) - but at this point I feel pretty secure in my position. There are moments when I sincerely DO want to text and send pictures and tell her everything that S is up to - just because I want to share it with someone that loves him as much as I do. But then I remember that I am trying to send a clear message through silence and non-contact - and I stop. Then I ask myself "to what end?" -- why would I even bother communicating or reaching out? I am really drawing a line right now - seemingly for the first time. It feels weird because I do miss her still, and that urge to want to "fix and prove" still lingers - but I am fighting it like crazy. I will win. I really do hope and pray that someday she will wake up and things will change - but I am not investing any more energy into it and for the first time I am trying to open my heart and mind to truly, truly moving on. In the process, I often pray for peace, acceptance and enough faith to believe that something amazing is going to happen for me and S soon.
I had to drop S off at preschool this morning....he asked me to pick him up but I changed the topic. I hate saying goodbye to him....that is one thing that has not gotten much easier in all of this. It's like literally leaving my heart on a playground and driving off. He's such a sweet little guy. Every Tuesday that I drop him off I leave him a note in his lunchbox....I just tell him that I love him, he's a great kid, and I am lucky to have him for my son. His teacher probably reads it to him....it's a small thing, but I hope it matters to him on the days when I can't come pick him up.
I am proud of the father that I have become. I never in a million years would have guessed that this would be how the relationship with my son would be - but it is great, even if she chooses not to be a part of it. A few weeks back before the dropped to OM bomb, we had to take him to the dentist to get a cavity filled. When he was done with the procedure we were called into the recovery room where the dental tech was sitting on a little couch with him watching a cartoon - he was still half-sedated, but lucid. XW was about two steps in front of me and she walked into the room with her arms stretched out to him. He literally leaned around her (almost ducking) and reached out for me instead and said "I want my daddy". The dental tech said that he had been asking for his daddy the whole time - XW said "of course". I scooped him up onto my lap and just put my arms around him. Yep....we are a good team, S and I. If she can walk away from that she is only lessening her own life and in a sense I feel bad for her...we are both going to miss out on a lot, but she is VOLUNTEERING for it. Bad choices.
