I definitely need to work on this and maybe pick up The Happiness Trap. I have come a long way since last year, but I still have a way to go to reach a point where the outside influences don't affect me as much. But I am ready and willing to do the work.
I had an interesting conversation with H on Sunday. It was our first "family night" since our boundaries conversation a few weeks ago. We were eating dinner and H said "this is really good. You will have to teach me some recipes since I don't know how to cook." To which I thought (but did not say) "No thank you. I am not teaching you to cook so you can make dinner for yourself and god knows who else at your bachelor bad." I said "I guess you decided to definitely move." When he originally told me, he just said that it was a possibility but he was not definite.
H said that things had changed on Easter when I decided not to attend his family's celebration and he told his extended family. He said that he was not ready to tell everyone and that he was crying hysterically when he sent the email to his extended family letting them know about our S. He said that it made it real. He had tears in his eyes as he was telling me about it.
I asked him why he did not tell me this at the time...why he waited until after the fact. He said that this is so hard for him and that I don't understand that it is hard for him. I explained that I know that it is not easy for him, but since he never shows emotion or shares his feelings, it feels like he is okay with things and moving forward with his new life. He just said that it is not like that at all.
He said that he was not ready to tell people and that it felt wrong but that I accelerated it by saying I did not want to attend Easter. He says that he is not ready to get his own place but feels like he has to make a quick decision because he can get this place with no lease which makes him feel okay about his decision because he can leave at any time.
I asked him "If this is so hard and these decision feel wrong, why do you keep making them and sticking with them." He just looked at me with tears in his eyes. The conversation ended and he headed out.
The good news...this conversation felt different. I felt more detached. Despite his tears, I did not jump back on his roller coaster. I did not second guess my decision to limit our conversations to kids/bills. I wonder if H notices the difference in me and that it what bothered him. I think that H was expecting me to be a mess on Easter and I was honestly okay. H said something about me not being emotional and only having two breakdowns since BD. He must be delusional because I can barely get through a R talk without crying.
While I wish things were different, I know that things have to be this way for now. And I am okay with it for the first time since BD. My H is confused and really needs to figure this out for himself. I am just going to get out of his way
