yeah- this darn cold. still coughing- but a bit more energy and even had some enthusiasm yesterday - yay. it's been such a long time -
i ended up picking up the phone one day- he's being pleasant and neutral. i kind of feel better after talking to him - thinking there's "someone" in my life (even someone that is not what & who i thought they were - probably ever). i sure am having a very hard time breaking the "mental habit" of h.
oh well- it's kind of just "there" in my life - like needing to really watch how much saturated fat i eat- an ongoing, naggie, little thing i have to acknowledge & "deal with" in order to have a successful (& healthy) life i guess. did that make sense?
so- he is gone for 2.5 wks - and is planning a trip when he comes back- three or four days. we have a good time when we travel- but honestly- in my mind & heart- it alllllllll doesn't "count". if he's all immersed in whatever is his deal with ow-
so - as i say that- i just don't even feel like expounding- i just don't have anything to think about it anymore. it makes me tired- & i feel empty-ish still. just in general , in life, but it's waaay better than in pain or unhappiness- soooo, here's me- floating along totally neutral....
wonder where i'll "land" - life - it's soooooo unknowable all the time and i wouldn't have wanted to know what all has transpired in the past ten or so years. (i woulde have croaked from dread if i knew what was coming) what an amazing sh!tshow my little (simple & reliable) life has been!
i am grateful today to be alive and interested in vacuuming this dustball of a house. wouldja ever think just feeling like vacuuming and tidying up would be a pleasabnt surprise? not me-
thanks for checking in- i think i'm past some big point with the dbing- don't know exactly what- can't guess, don't care-
