you sound great and i'm so happy to have come here and seen your post first thing this morning.
just happy for you across the board- jealous of your plan to move and fact that family is on board. it's allllll good. it sure has been a long long few years - hasn't it?
the family thing- getting it a bit straightened out with your parents- it's hard, it's good tho. i sure had a tortured r with my mom last few years- my traumas - her traumas - we bumbled thru tho, i always "went back" - and now that she's died- i'm glad i did. it's hard to grow old in america- our entire society marginalizes you- even your own kids. i'll spare you that rant- ( i just typed you a different post- but lost it all- luckyou - God was kind)
anyway- it's a major "thing" in life- the whole parent r- hard sometimes. but just one more thing that is part of our whole life- and we gotta somehow deal wityh it in the end (or before the end).
that unfinished business stuff will kill ya-
anyway- i'm still just putzing along here- FEELING MIGHTY UPLIFTED by your post- believing you when you say the time will come when i'll feel like that too- actually on a road somewhere.
i do feel that i "did my job" and it was a big one- just stayin alive thru my own "junk" these past couple years &dbing - and simultaneously my mom's health/age/memory problems. it's been a long long demanding few years.
i feel just empty now and glad to be alive and healthy- (aside from being sick as a dog last two weeks- I am by no means "unstuck" but i think i feel like you- that whatever went on with h in his feelings and life - he just chucked me out the window in favor of ow and a quick fix - he never "fought for" us either. too bad for him- i think it will be the biggest mistake in his life. . i just was soooo crazy in love with (who i thought he was) that i never ever thought one bad thing botu him- could put good spin on anything & everything.
don't know what to think about that- other than it's pretty dead in me now. too bad- it was maybe a giant luxury i allowed myself- total love. maybe it doesn't exist and i was nuts- don't even care now and can't criticise myself about it even.
now- onward and upward to WHAT??? IDK- STILL feel too tired and DONE to have a focus of any sort. looking at this house- i've let everything in the world in life "go" 0- never appreciated how very immersed and obcessed i was with my mom & her health/life, etc.
oh well- that's over now and myu house is like an old lady house- dusty & slightly "yellowed" - oh geeez, that sounds icky- i spring cleaned with a vengence yesterday- have quite a way to go- but some big enthusiasm going on so i'm taking advantage. i haven't feelt energetic and enthisiastic in sooooolong about anything in the universe.
thjat's such an icky thing to say- it's true tho.
your h being around the house- you being kind of at peace with him- reading with interest. the long convo you guys had and your feeling that it didn't really accomplish much. i feel this stuff too- i feel that h & i haven't really "spoken" in sooo long- the little disconnect that is such a huge disconnect.
he was here all thru mom's last month or so- it was a v. bad & hard thing, watching some die like that , i was glad for the company. he's gone now- sos - and honestly- this isn't the life for me. i need someone to give a darn if i come home at nite- i need someone to just share life with-
too bad one cannot snap fingers and make it happen right now- just have to have patience and trust God to show me the way? life sure is unknowable. i'm glad to be alive tho. i can't even feel impatience- i just feel like i need to keep rolling along- without direction even- just grateful to be alive...
i'm glad to feel interested in cleaning todayu- yay huh? what a remarkablely dopey little thing to feel grateful for. nevertheless- i am. just being interested in vacuming - i'll take it.
life is very small here - i am very neutral and i'm grateful for that too. i canot even get angry or upset at the moment- too tired for that even.
funny little place to be- ta da... i'm glad it's chillie today- feels good to be inside and "cozy"- need to go finish the edging on little antique chair i upholstered- it's wild and very perky to look at- maybe i'll take a picture and sent it- it's very representative of my mood at present- anything goes-
don't know what- but anything- xxoo gld your happy today
