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Wonka #2448643 04/27/14 08:13 PM
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gogofo Offline OP
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It is not making love bank deposits. I need to refocus my vision to the ultimate goal, not what is in front of me right now. Negative emotions have no place right now in my life and attitude towards the W.

Spur her into action to see changes in me that she would not witnesses first hand. I know expectations do nothing but disappoint me, they never have helped one bit during the situation.

Thanks for the 2x4 on this, when I read back my thoughts and actions with others commentary it really puts into perspective what I did and what I need to be doing.

This week was a little hectic and the weather was bad so I didn't do the physical activities I had been doing. I was using that time to read. I need to get back to burning energy and emotions with my little workouts. I felt better about myself when I was doing them and can't help to think that my emotions, lack of energy, and not exercising aren't all related. I can't just focus on reading for self improvement, need to do the physical.

I am going to take the kids back to the W's house this evening and have dinner with her, she invited me. I'm definitely not going to bring up R talk. I am just going to focus on paving the road smooth and making love bank deposits.


M:34 XW:34
Together: 10y
Living: 9y
Married: 7y
Son:6 Son:4
Separated: 12/28/13
Piecing: 5/2/14
Separated 2nd: 10/16/14
W filed, but pulled it: 11/5/14
papers served: 1/27/15
D final: 3/6/15
gogofo #2448665 04/27/14 10:00 PM
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Took some quiet time while the kids napped, no reading or worrying, just quiet relaxation. Kids have had cabin fever all week and been pretty rowdy. Did some house work, did an upper body workout, and some laundry.

Attitude and emotions are much better. I can use my sore upper body to remind me of my goals and paving a smooth path.

I feel much calmer than I have all day, I can do this without expectations.


M:34 XW:34
Together: 10y
Living: 9y
Married: 7y
Son:6 Son:4
Separated: 12/28/13
Piecing: 5/2/14
Separated 2nd: 10/16/14
W filed, but pulled it: 11/5/14
papers served: 1/27/15
D final: 3/6/15
gogofo #2448667 04/27/14 10:03 PM
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GoFo,

Spur her into action to see changes in me that she would not witnesses first hand.

What are you expecting in terms of actions from W? Do you mean you're hoping she'll fall on the ground begging you for a chance after seeing the "light"? Ain't happening, buddy.

Trust me, W is noticing you. She is watching you carefully from afar and stocking away your actions/words in the back of her mind. She doesn't want to comment or move toward you because she doesn't want you to get your hopes up. She's looking for consistency from you so she can trust and feel safe with you again.

So damper down your expectations to a lower level. That way you won't feel hurt or get disappointed.

gogofo #2448674 04/27/14 10:38 PM
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Originally Posted By: gogofo
This is not who I want to be but with her being a WAW I cannot have a healthy discussion about us and my feelings. I think it goes against the whole BDing theories.
Remember the discussion we had about values earlier. How do your values fit into this discussion? That's why I ask, Is this who you want to be? Your true values should be guiding you along with things you're learned in DR about communicating with people.

I don't think you need to have a discussion, just examine your thoughts and motives, especially when you want to do things that you know are hurtful, often times referred to as passive/aggressive actions. Changing the way you think to align with your values will change your actions and your W will feel that. You won't have to show her anything.

Quote:
Right now, as of writing this, I would not do it again because the motivation was out of hurt not love.

Past interactions had me feeling hurt and overwhelmed and doing nothing. I did not lash out in anger. If I had we may have dealt with the issues. I avoided confrontation in the R. I was scared an argument would drive her away. Ha! That worked well.

Unfortunately it's pretty common in R to hurt those who we perceive as hurting us. That reciprocal hurt can come in many different ways. Avoiding confrontation can give the message that IT (whatever needs confronting)is just not worth your time or interest, there are more important things for you to deal with. That's hurtful to a spouse.

While confrontation may be spurred by anger, it doesn't have to be done angrily. Your anger at a situation can be expressed lovingly, without resentment, without the need to inflict hurt.

A book I often recommend "How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It." Have a look at it.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
Wonka #2448715 04/28/14 04:55 AM
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Originally Posted By: Wonka
What are you expecting in terms of actions from W? Do you mean you're hoping she'll fall on the ground begging you for a chance after seeing the "light"? Ain't happening, buddy.


No I'm not expecting that, but what I expect as a first action would be a hug or hand holding. This is what I hope for / expect. Nothing more. Just something that would show a little movement. But after reading your post and thinking about it she will probably have to move past her first feelings of wanting physical contact until she feels safe with it. She probably won't grab my hand the first time she is inclined to. I am sure she is playing her cards close to the chest to not tip her hand or get me excited.


M:34 XW:34
Together: 10y
Living: 9y
Married: 7y
Son:6 Son:4
Separated: 12/28/13
Piecing: 5/2/14
Separated 2nd: 10/16/14
W filed, but pulled it: 11/5/14
papers served: 1/27/15
D final: 3/6/15
labug #2448717 04/28/14 05:16 AM
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Originally Posted By: labug
Unfortunately it's pretty common in R to hurt those who we perceive as hurting us. That reciprocal hurt can come in many different ways. Avoiding confrontation can give the message that IT (whatever needs confronting)is just not worth your time or interest, there are more important things for you to deal with. That's hurtful to a spouse.

While confrontation may be spurred by anger, it doesn't have to be done angrily. Your anger at a situation can be expressed lovingly, without resentment, without the need to inflict hurt.

A book I often recommend "How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It." Have a look at it.


I understand exactly what you are saying about hurting others when feeling hurt. This was the first time I have done it during the whole separation so that is why I wrote it in my thread. It was probably minor or a non issue but I wanted to understand why I felt this way and felt compelled to lash out. Thanks to everyone and your comments about my actions, it has opened my eyes and should allow me to never lash out or try and hurt again.

I have read that book and need to reread it and review my highlights and bookmarks. I liked it and its perspective.

I am on book 16 and need to step back and review what I have read. My goal is to write book reports on all of them to remind myself what they teach and also have some cliff's notes for each book.


M:34 XW:34
Together: 10y
Living: 9y
Married: 7y
Son:6 Son:4
Separated: 12/28/13
Piecing: 5/2/14
Separated 2nd: 10/16/14
W filed, but pulled it: 11/5/14
papers served: 1/27/15
D final: 3/6/15
gogofo #2448887 04/28/14 09:11 PM
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So yesterday I went to W’s house at 4:30 for the kids swap and dinner. She made a nice dinner of roast chicken and risotto.

I played with the kids and her new puppy. We all ate together, which is quite an event when trying to get the kids to eat something new. It was about an hour and a half ordeal.

W and I planned out the month of May for when we have kids and swap days, etc. I continued to show my support for what she has going on with her doctoral classes by taking the kids for this coming weekend again so she can finish her remaining papers and other assignments.

We played with kids a little more and the oldest was being rather naughty and needed disciplined quite a number of times. What I have noticed is that now I have been to calmer one when the kids need disciplined. I have read a very informative parenting book during the separation and I have distressed quite a bit. It is now kind of the opposite than it was with me earlier. I used to get quite upset at the kids and though I never was abusive physically, I was a yeller when I would get upset. I would always regret my actions instantly, but now I find myself not even getting close to that upset.

I am proud of my progress in this area of my life and is a big 180. During stressful times I had a short fuse and no patience. Now I am able to sit and talk with the kids and try to have a heart to heart discussion about what they are doing instead of just getting mad and punishing them. Well I guess it is as much of a discussion as you can have with 2.5 and 4.5 year old boys.

Kids went to bed, but it was a long process. At the W’s house they are pretty needy and want extra books and songs and drinks of water; it is about a 30 to 45 minute process for her on average. At my house I read one book, sing them each a song, and then close their doors and they stay in bed and sleep all night in them. At her house they wake up sometime during the night and get in her bed. It is funny how different the process is at each house and how they know where they can do different behaviors.

Having the kids in the bed was something that always bothered me a little bit. I felt that the bed was for mom and dad and when they were not needing night time feedings anymore they should be sleeping in their own beds. I felt that our bed was the only place that was left for mom and dad and it was upsetting that the kids were taking it over again. I felt that the W and I had nothing left that was private for us. Unfortunately my actions did not portray this to my W. My actions told her that I did not want them in the bed because they annoyed me and I couldn’t sleep well so they should not be in our bed. I know she wanted them in there because she enjoyed cuddling and holding the kids all night, but I felt it took some of the intimacy away from our relationship.

After they were in bed we chatted a little bit while taking turns consoling the kids until they fell asleep. No R talks, and I did not bring any up. We just talked, like we used to early in our R and M. I feel these talks can be just as much or more reparative to our situation than having deep emotional relationship talks. Maybe things will slowly progress into being able to have a fun night as a couple.

It always feels a little weird being there in what I call an 80% relationship. We have most of what we used to have, but I feel better, except for the intimacy that a married couple should have. I almost feel like I am auditioning for my role as husband again.


M:34 XW:34
Together: 10y
Living: 9y
Married: 7y
Son:6 Son:4
Separated: 12/28/13
Piecing: 5/2/14
Separated 2nd: 10/16/14
W filed, but pulled it: 11/5/14
papers served: 1/27/15
D final: 3/6/15
gogofo #2448896 04/28/14 09:36 PM
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It sounds like you've done well to remain calm with the kids. In my situation, my son has responded well to me listening to what he says instead of yelling at him. I can sympathise with speaking to the 2.5 year old. I haven't figured that out myself yet smile


Me: 31, W: 29
T: 4 M: 2
Kids: 3 (SS: 7, SD: 4, D: 3)
Separated, still living together: Nov 2013
Separate bedrooms: Feb 2014
W working away; kids with me: Nov 2014
gogofo #2448897 04/28/14 09:37 PM
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I'm glad things are going well for you gogofo smile


Divorce Final: Oct 2014

Your struggles today, develop strength for tomorrow...
gogofo #2448906 04/28/14 09:51 PM
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Originally Posted By: gogofo
It always feels a little weird being there in what I call an 80% relationship. We have most of what we used to have, but I feel better, except for the intimacy that a married couple should have. I almost feel like I am auditioning for my role as husband again.


Auditioning - that exactly what it feels like sometimes! Well put...


M:41
H:38
D:6
D:3
M:11 yrs
T:15 yrs
Bomb: Feb 8/14
Seperated: Feb 12/14

"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." Plato
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