WAW...Again

[stumps]

Little self-pep talk to remind myself what I'm doing right...

I have been about as close to 100% successful in my 180's as a person can get. W has remarked several times that I'm doing the things she always wanted/being the man I was when we first met.

I have not brought up any R talk at all since the bomb drop. The few times it has come up it's been brought up by W.

I have validated everything my W has had to say about her feelings. She has acknowledged this and thanked me for it.

I have accepted 100% my role in our sitch, and accepted 100% of the responsibility for my behavior and changing it.

At no time have I pointed my finger at my W, her contribution to our sitch, or at her current behavior. If we ever start piecing/reconciling, then that will be the time for a calm constructive conversation regarding these things.

I have displayed near-100% positive mental attitude and kind, generous behavior toward W, her family, our friends and neighbors since bomb drop, even when I'm dying on the inside.

At least two things I need to step-up: 1) GAL. I'm doing just ok here. Been in touch with a few old friends, but we're far-flung across the map and it's hard to make things happen with them. But I have been open to all of the social events in the neighborhood I used to avoid (sort of a 180/GAL mix), I have plans to go to a concert on my own in a couple of weeks, and I've been thinking about taking drum lessons if I can fit them in to work/child care schedule. 2) "Internal" detachment. From the outside, my detachment looks pretty good. I've adopted a pretty good "laissez-faire" attitude regarding W. But on the inside, I still have moments of pretty hardcore despair. I'm aching for physical affection...not even necessarily sex, just touch. Physical comfort. I'm suffering too much mental pain from the lack of affection. I think I'm doing a near-perfect job of hiding it...but I want to do more than hide it. I want to handle it.