Hi Lost,

I've not posted to you before, so hello. You're getting some good advice here, and hope you are able to put some of these to work for you.

I recognize some of the issues you have had since you started posting. Can I ask if you're working on them? The big one is that your H sees you as negative. You mentioned a situation that your C said was realistic. But I'm going to ask you to dig a little deeper. Personally, I don't see it as "negative" but if you put on his glasses for a minute, I can see why he'd say that.

So... while he thinks you're negative and you think you're cautious and frugal, how about we meet somewhere in the middle? Would it be safe to say that you're cautious when the idea isn't yours or that you haven't had time to buy in 100%? Could it be possible that you feel him wanting to spend money on things that are important to him as not your priority?

If you can answer yes or even maybe to those questions, I invite you to step back and maybe connect dots to other circumstances and issues that have arisen before. Could it be possible you value your list (whatever is on that list doesn't matter) as more important or valuable than what's on his list?

What could you do to make him more of an equal in your R? It doesn't matter if you're separated, Lost. Because he'll always be a co-parent to your kids. If you want to be able to do that effectively, you're going to have to be creative in making him feel as though his opinion matters.

I'm jumping back a few weeks to the incident of a sprained ankle. Would you have let him know if he were still living with you? Well, then, I would encourage you to tell him things that matter to him as a parent.

I understand you're hurt. I get that. And I'm not trying to tell you to ignore that. But you're going to have to set that emotion aside when it comes to ALL matters that affect the kids. He's their dad too. And what Melissa said to you is dead on right: it's not your job to bring on the consequences. Those are natural fallout from issues that arise from him not being present in your home.

And I also saw that you posed a question in your first thread that you never answered. It piqued my interest because my sister asked me the very same question when my now XH moved out: "are you pissed because he pulled the trigger first?"

I'll share with you that I was a pretty heavy victim most of my marriage. I loved to make people feel I was the long suffering spouse - I was unhappy and he didn't do the things I required of him to make me happy. I'm serious. Dead serious. And I cringe as I re-read that. I got my ass into therapy, and it took a couple years for me to realize that was MY job and completely unfair of me to expect HIM to make me happy when I clearly abandoned that job all along. But for me, he moved out while I was about 4 months into my IC.

I'm not letting my XH off the hook here - he did things that hurt our marriage. But 50% of it was my fault. And I held it against him that he was miserable enough to do something for himself that I was unwilling to do.

It's not easy to get through. But I can promise you if you work on those issues that are preventing YOU from being happy, you'll get there. You don't need to be married to be happy. It's an inside job, and you've made progress there by exercising and thinking outside the box.

But you might want to go over to Melissa's thread to see her list of things she's doing to create a better life for herself going forward. Start small and cheap. Take up embroidery. Knit. Take a spinning class at the Y. Walk with your daughters. Just do *something* every day that gives you tangible proof that you're working on yourself. You're worth it. You just have to believe it.

Hang in there. It does get better. I promise.

Betsey

"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."

Albert Einstein