Today I am waking to a good morning. I have been working on being just as happy and productive when my H is here, and not only when he's gone and I'm jumping for joy that he left. I had a very productive week, with family and friends, in home and out of my home as well, all the while H was planted firmly deep rooted right in the middle.
It took me a long time to get past that and move on knowing he is here, not participating, and sulking. I put it on myself to learn how to dismiss myself from what he is doing and not doing and to be who I am regardless of his proximity or black cloud he may be sitting under.
Everyday I have been either with attitude or actually changing something in my life that will put me in the direction of another step forward. Over the weekend I traded in what I called "his MLC car" that he picked for me out of guilt. It was a beauty, but I am much happier in my new affordable car that is in my name and I am able to handle the responsibility on my own.
My long term goal is still to move out west. So far I seem to have most of my kids on board and agreeing we will all make a better life for ourselves together. I'm feeling a little anxious about the whole thing, like I want to do this today, but I am approaching each change I need to make with caution and good thought. It sure beats the anxiety I was feeling during DBing.
H seems to be living in a little bubble he's created filled with the safety and care of his family around him content in his acceptance. He took a different route to the acceptance phase, not what we read of coming out of the tunnel and learning how to be a functioning human being in life, but that life sux's and there's nothing he can do so he's been defeated, he accepts defeat. I don't say "I'm done" anymore, he's a human being, he's never really going to be completely nobody to us, I am not willing to wash away the last 25 yrs, they happened, I was there, it was my life too.
I start classes May 19th with hopes to fill my journey and my dreams with the reality of independence and live life my way for a change. I accept nothing less than every possibility open to me at every turn until the day I am no longer here on this earth.
If someone reads this who may be "stuck" maybe with their spouse, or just within themselves, I've been there...boy was I there, it gets better! It's with in you!
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
