thank you Melissa I agree that most of how I view what she says and does is my way of trying to believe, foolishly, that she might be changing her mind about leaving. I should explain that throughout our life as a couple my W has always had problems saying sorry to me, she is very very stubborn and single minded. Even for the most trivial of things she never apologised. I actually used to make light of the fact with her and used to just make a joke about it but it really did hurt me that she felt unable to apologise. So part of me thinks that even if she did start to have second thoughts that this side of her personality would make it difficult for her to come and say to me. I can tell she isn't happy right now as she looks very tired and drawn and I rarely see her smile. But I have now fully accepted that she is gone and almost certainly never coming back. It is the most difficult thing I have ever had to deal with in my life as I never imagined life without her but I know its a fact now so i am just going to have to get on with my life. Strangely this realisation has begun to make things a little bit easier as its true that hanging on to false hope is very difficult and painful. So letting go completely has had a interesting effect on me. As for her relationship with the boys, well I know it is no longer my concern whether or not she maintains a relationship with them. I hope she does for their sake, but I know that all I can control is how I am with them and I just want to spend as much time as possible and try and be the best dad that I can be. I also realise that it would be impossible for her to come on hoilday with us as it would be two weeks of strain and worry. Also my sister knows everything that has happened and although she is very calm and level headed she loves me and would find it difficult to accept my W coming after everything that has happened.
