Barrybran

[Barrybran]

Ye, my wife wants me out of the house. She's only mentioned divorce once and that was yesterday when she was angry and upset and telling me she wanted me out.

LFW, my wife was saying a lot of things that could be considered testing. Things about finding someone else, having a big house to bring them back to, being able to scour the dating websites... stuff that my wife doesn't usually say and only came up in anger and because I've chosen to stay. I feel that she would have expected me to leave when she first asked me to based on past behaviour.

[Barrybran]

I just got home from work and my wife angrily said a few things to me. She says she isn't going to be "pushed" out of her own home because I "left the marriage" over a year ago. I sat and listened, validated where I could and kept my responses to a minimum. She says her friends told her to pack up my things and just throw it outside. I refrained from saying anything to this. I may have to go to the police station tomorrow to find out what I can do if it comes to that or her taking off with the kids. She said she wasn't vindictive and that she has chosen not to thrown my things out several times.

The overriding thought was that it was a lot of spew, a lot of writing of her own history (I didn't leave the marriage though I understand her perception that I did) and that she is choosing this course of action. I sent my message to her this morning and reiterated to her this afternoon that separation and separate houses are her choices.

I will say this though. Removing me from the situation, if someone asked me who should move out in a relationship where someone cheated, I'd say the unfaithful one should go. It's what I feel is the "right" thing to do. Having this feeling, I feel that I should be the one to go when, and only when, an agreement can be reached on certain matters, such as the kids.

I'd like to know if anyone here can point me to a thread where someone stood their ground to the point of alienating their spouse. I'd like to get some insight on the feelings and actions other people took and the outcomes they reached. I feel calm right now and deeply confused. I feel that my wife is right and at the same time, I feel that I am choosing love (before anyone jumps, I'm talking down the track) while my wife is choosing to try and bully me out the door.

Something Mach said jumped out at me today... should I forever pay for my past mistakes and that answer is a resounding no. I feel somewhat enlightened even though my wife is very closed. I wish my wife would look at the bigger picture, whether we wind up back together or not, and think about whether she'll still be punishing me for this at age 40, 50, 60. I honestly don't think she will be. She'll remember what happened though the punishment, like my misdeeds, will be long dead. I know that is not going to happen nor is it something I should worry about.

[Barrybran]

Well, I went for that walk. The kids weren't home so I went by myself. I enjoyed it. It gave me some good thinking time. I thought some more about the living arrangements and I thought about the traits you guys have been helping me with. It stuck out that I want to be honourable and moving out would be the honourable thing to do. I would need to have an agreement in place regarding the kids as well as making sure there are no legal ramifications in me moving out before I agreed to do so. If all of those things fall into place, I feel I could move out and be happy with the decision.

I don't want to move of course. I enjoy it here, it's a great house and I've put a lot of time and effort into maintaining it. I feel that who I am is more important than a house and I would feel comfortable moving on if it fit in with who I want to be. Realistically, my kids would spend more time here too so having the yard would be a bonus for them.

I believe I should speak with a few people before making any decision: the police, so I know where I stand if my wife does something crazy; a lawyer, so I understand my rights, particularly with the two elder kids, and to confirm that moving out will not negatively impact me if things go further south; and the real estate, so I can see what is in the area. I won't be going anywhere if I feel that what is available is not suitable to my needs and wants.

My wife ruled out sharing a second place too. I understand that.

[Barrybran]

I try and compile my thoughts in one post and things keep happening. My wife messaged a short time ago with this:

"Stay in the house for as long as you feel you need too.
It's not entirely fair for either of us to relocate and foot the costs.

Though I'm far from happy, I'm not going to be a bitch the entire time."

She also mentioned that it's "hard to feel like [she has] a safe happy home." I asked what will make her feel that she has a safe, happy home to which she replied "I don't know".

Since then, we've had a good chat (her talking, me listening) about things going on in her world, mostly work. It was nice. She's been clear with me about our relationship and I've got my own little set up in my bedroom so I'll just plug away at being me and see what happens.

[Ggrass]

I don't think it will effect custody if you did move. I live in au, and have done child stuff in my last relationship. Although au believes that children are better off with mother first depending on age and then father or with parents who are not capable, then next stop is extended family if docs are called in.

Mostly you can do what ever you as parents can agree on. There are groups such as relationships Australia who will help mediate agreements or the courts do free mediation.
Unless its a huge $ settlement courts don't really care much.. And prefer you do mediated before fronting them.

. Moving might not be your best option, for the relationship, at least under the same roof, you will have more contact and opportunities especially with kids.

I don't have such ties and I'm feeling like its going to be a very tough road to hoe.

[Lostforwords]

B,

First....You did leave the marriage by cheating. Maybe you never left the physical world of the marriage, but you left the spiritual/emotional side of it. You have to accept it, understand why you did it, and then forgive yourself for it. You don't need to be punished or punish yourself forever for it....You just need to learn from it.

The outside influences on your life are difficult. So while your wife's friends are pulling you down....Remember that it is out of your control. So Listen, validate (what you feel is worth validating), and then work on yourself.

Have you read a book on surviving an affair? It may do you good to see things from the other side.

So B...are you going to live from your core based upon principles and values? Or are you going to let outside influences affect your core? Think about that one for awhile next time you walk.

[cat04]

B,

I have to agree with your W and Lost here. You did leave the marriage...it may not have been your intention but it happened.

Any of the LBS here will probably see it the same way.

I also agree with Lost that you really need to learn from that situation because I am sure you realize now that it isn't something you ever want to happen again.

Reread Lost's post.

[Barrybran]

I haven't read a book on surviving an affair. If anyone knows of a good one, I'd love to know.

I want to live from my core. The honour thing jumps out and I feel there are two ways to look at it: that I leave the house because I was unfaithful to my wife and that I stay and stand up for my family and marriage. After yesterday, I feel that I should move out if things continue to be untenable. I'm just not sure about what I should do right now. It's only been one full day with the new one-bed-apartment set up, I went for a walk instead of sitting at home in front of the TV and I stood up for myself by saying I'm not leaving so it's not exactly a large sample size of how things will be under these conditions.

I have some time to myself today so I'll sort a couple of things out and get the ball rolling on me moving out while I continue to think about what I want to and should do. I'll also work on finding out what a "safe, happy home" feels like to my wife in our conversations. Most importantly, I'm going to just leave her alone and make myself scarce where possible and see what happens.

[Barrybran]

I had a thought pop to mind just now. Many people say that in-house separation is better than separation via different homes. I've not seen a situation where an in-house separation has resulted in reconciliation while I've seen many situations result in reconciliation after a time apart. I understand the need for the WAS to feel a sense of loss and I don't really know how that can be achieved with both parties in the same home.

Does anyone have any thoughts about the most productive environment for a reconciliation?

[Barrybran]

Journaling:

My wife's brother and his fiance arrived today and my family were very excited. They hadn't been here since our wedding so all three kids have grown a lot in that time. I enjoyed the time spent with everyone catching up with one another. My wife's sister and her daughters arrived in mid-afternoon and I started to feel like a fish out of water. All of the adults know about our separation and I stayed clear of my wife meaning I stayed clear of everyone else too. The kids were having fun and I really didn't know what to do with myself. I considered going for a walk or drive. I felt awkward about just up and leaving so I stayed and watched TV in the other room.

On top of that, my BIL's fiance is pregnant. I haven't actually been told, I just overheard the conversation and commotion in the other room. I felt that it would be rude to just butt in and congratulate them when they haven't told me and my wife was really excited so I let them enjoy it as a family moment and I'll have a word with them tomorrow to offer my congratulations.