Road to happiness....Part 2

[25yearsmlc]

YE

You wrote:


I married her because I love her, I compromised to put all my dreams aside, my W never told me about any plans of building something like a dream with me,

You have admitted that NEITHER of you spoke of dreams. You KNEW she wanted to be an actress and you wanted her to live almost an hour from NYC. My son lived there 8 years as a working actor and one must live on the subway line or be wealthy enough to take taxis' everywhere for auditions OR not get the role.

Moving out of the city for an aspiring actress (an actor who is not yet known) is NOT a good idea and no one does it. Sorry, but your plan was not compatible with hers...

YOU could have gone to Central Park or the Zoo, or whatever you needed to do to get away to "nature" OR NOT move to New York City in the first place, b/c you were living in a city she is from, where Her family lives and yet where you never wanted to live . Not a good situation to start from...and you cannot blame her or certainly not only her, for not talking about this. You did not adapt and neither did she.

Of course established actors can live anywhere, and can raise families OR, actors with a spouse who makes enough money on his own, AND can support their acting efforts while they struggle, THEY Can do it...


BTW our realtor is married to a television star, and many times they have moved to be on set with him, and she has paid the bills when he went without work for months....although now, I cannot tell you who earns more money.

But they are happy and have raised 3 kids...but he's established NOW and when he was not, SHE was established as a realtor...someone has to pay the bills. Weren't both of you in Gamblers Anonymous? I'm not judging. But I doubt she had confidence in you two making a fortune, UNLESS she succeeded as an actress.

My friend the realtor, SHE moved for him...b/c HIS career, acting, is NOT flexible on families, but her career in real estate, was.

unless you are in the top 3-6% of A lister actors, you cannot be away from where it's all happening. (I mean like Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie, Julia Roberts).

Otherwise, you are in the 96+% of actors who either take whatever you can get and hang around LA or NYC

OR you decide that being a "working actor", (hired enough but not "famous")

means doing what you love and earning enough to own a home and visit a cool place every year, is enough.

B/C THAT is what the mature actors seek out, work they feel is respected by their peers, that pays enough for them to not starve, and that's IT...mature spouses know this and support it.

But the goal of attaining fame...I mean if fame is THE actual Goal.....well you may as well rob banks if all you care about is fame. I bet it's a lot easier to do...and if you get caught and go to jail, at least you have shelter and food and health care..

(that comment^^ is a joke -- but I made it to illustrate the point I am making to you AND that I have made to our children before.

Your wife and my children are in a HARD field (the film industry) and if fame is the actual goal, and not the work itself, it's a sad sad pursuit, that will never EVER satisfy or bring joy...)
I can honestly say that my kids know this. They want to be "working actors and producers/directors."

Meaning, they LOVE the making of films, and if they can pay their bills while doing that well, it's enough...

and the more time that it was passing and her not becoming "famous" (that was her goal) [b]the more anger she will have towards me.
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Didn't that anger go both ways? I don't know either of you, but from what you wrote around here, it seems to me,

You were two people who married, and apparently, the whole time --you both wanted the other to change.

You both became resentful and more stubborn and more angry, wanting the other to change for you and then resenting it when the person instead, chose to be themselves.

Just think about that...^^??

I have insecurities yes, I have to work on them,

Yes. Join the club.

I can support my wife in her career and build a life in NY or LA, I can work in my insecurities...

Not sure what this^^ means b/c it's the opposite of what you did and it's NOT what you want...but it "SOUNDS" good to say.

Thing is, you don't want to live in her city and never did, & furthermore, you want to live on the other side of the country and ocean.

Perhaps your childhood scarred you in some ways, as hers seems to have scarred her.

I mean, You seem to really think you can only be happy near a beach in Hawaii, all based on a previous great dream vacation. (?) I don't disregard your dreams.

I am merely pointing out OPTIONS you will always have if things don't quite pan out there. It's SO expensive and you said you sell surf boards and or wait tables. I don't know what the surf board business is paying, but I know owning property in Hawaii takes a lot of money. The friends and family we know who own there, are self made millionaires...just fyi


I probably will never know if that was enough for her, because she didnt communicated that to me.

Communication is a 2 way street. You have to stop blaming HER for what you did not say.

Geez, you could write a letter and just ask her to sign that she read it even if she didn't agree....Plus you say conflicting things about supporting her career, wanting wealth but not having it but expecting her to "Commute" from Hawaii to New York or LA when you got rich enough to have 2 homes in the nations most expensive cities...and she was not realistic about what it takes to make it in the film/stage industry. One thing is it takes facing a LOT of rejection and still getting back up for another round of it.

To me, it sounds as if you were both so afraid to face conflict that no conflict was ever actually resolved.

The thing about conflict is, it's not about how often you have conflict (b/c life throws some couples more curve balls than other couples), but how you resolve those conflicts...


Would it be a selfish compromise for me to live in NY and LA under her conditions?

What does ^^ this mean? What compromise was offered? And what were "her conditions"? And are you speaking of NOW or some time before now?


NY and LA are big, would it be too much from your partner who married you to ask to live in both states but in a place where there is more contact with nature?


You never offered her the option of living in 2 cities, you made it clear that it would only happen AFTER YOU felt wealthy enough but you both had serious financial flaws so that's not something she could really believe in, was it?

ALSO, regarding people who choose places over people....well....funny you ask

My h, to whom I had been married for 25 years at the time, and with whom I had 3 children, left me to live in Alaska...b/c HE LOVES IT THERE...and YES, it was selfish of him. We had already lived there 3 years, earlier, and only he liked it and it became an obsession for him to return there to live...at all costs apparently.

NOW, after he moved to live there again and alone, and then moved back here and reconciled, he regrets his Alaskan decision b/c he deeply wounded the very people he says he loves the most in the world. We are Still picking up the pieces...

IF there had not been any children, and if we had not once had an amazingly deep connection, I would not have bothered with divorce busting and we would be divorced now.


Was I selfish for asking her to live 50mins from the city where I could be surrounded by trees?


In MY opinion, to marry a struggling actress IN NYC, and ask that she live an hour away while trying to establish herself in one of the most challenging career paths possible, IS SELFISH, YES...and

if not selfish, very unrealistic. It basically means she would give up on being an actress or willingly decreases her chance of success by 90%...so, you tell me what you think of that choice, now?


I can compromise to live in NY, but why couldnt she compromise with living 50mins away if that at the end will make me happy?

WHY? BECAUSE SHE WAS NOT AN ESTABLISHED ACTRESS; SHE WAS A STRUGGLING ONE...trying to get known to a few casting agents whom she'd have to meet with a dozen times before they'd ever think of her for a role, let alone give her one...

Your "compromise" was not really a compromise. Think about it.

Your "compromise" meant she'd be giving up on her dream completely, and for what?

You'd still want to live 5000 miles away with no promise of a better life, except that you prefer the beach. But what would have improved for HER if you both moved to Hawaii and you were still financially struggling?

Wouldn't she just be giving up her social life, (all her friends whom she has known for her whole life) AND her family AND her career dreams??? All that, For you to "walk on the beach"...it's not as if your career plans (which are vague for me) "require" you to live in Hawaii.

On the contrary, your career plans seem to be about nursing, so someday it'd be your career that is much more flexible than her struggling new career...and til then, as a waiter, you also had a lot more flexibility. In fact I think you said you moved to NYC in the first place, because you could get work there...

She can be an actress and I can work in the insecurities, what I cant see so clear is why her dream career cant be compatible with me bein happy as well?


I could be wrong, obviously. But an insecure spouse is not well suited for a celebrity of any sort to marry. So there's that.

(SIDENOTE: From what I hear around Hollywood, the real reason Jennifer Anniston and Brad Pitt did not work out, was more related to her chronic insecurity being married to a man who women throw themselves at, and less about him meeting Angelina Jolie...But Jolie may be the only woman in the world who CAN handle being married to Brad Pitt...)

Second, your dreams as I understand them AND as they are today, are not compatible. Oh sure, if she were already famous, or if you were already wealthy, you could probably swing things.

But like most people, neither of you are famous or wealthy. So you both must compromise and that usually (not always but usually) means you take turns.

I put my h thru medical school right after he supported me thru law school...and we had a child along the way. Then his medical residency was very very demanding and I was more or less a single parent for years.

I could have resented that (at times I did but I got better b/c I was determined not to become a bitter doctor's wife or bitter doctors EX wife)

but instead I tried to appreciate the comforts it brought our family and the work my h does, matters to me as well. I'm proud that he's good at what he does and he helps people too.

But we were both in school with a new baby for ONE semester...(my last semester of law school). If it had been earlier, I am not sure I could have finished my schooling

or that my h could have done his. One or both of us would have had to shift our dreams. My brother wanted to be an astronaut since he was a little boy. Believe it or not, he mapped out a plan to attend the Air Force Academy, to get his college there, to learn to fly, to get into test pilot school and THEN to become an astronaut... and he began his path. He did what it took to get in and off he went...

He was in the NASA (the Space program!) He was a test pilot too!

Then One day someone handed him a report, and the cover sheet of paper cut his eye....I mean it, a PAPER CUT, but it was on his eye, and it got badly infected.
And he had to be hospitalized...
The doctor said his cornea was damaged and then NASA and the Air Force said he could not be a test pilot anymore. Period. The end. A paper cut ended his career aspirations and dreams that he'd almost grabbed onto and that only 3% of pilots even get to do...

So my brother went to law school and became a lawyer who specializes in airplane crashes. He adapted. He's pretty happy now. That's just what a mature man does. He's NOT bitter, b/c he made a new dream for himself...and in a sense, we all do.

That's not the same as "settling". It's just adapting and choosing to be happy. As a military veteran, I'm used to moving and I love the phrase.

"bloom where you are planted".


Think about that. Keep working on YOU = b/c you are worth it.