Life in a mess 2

[melissag]

I can't see how it is possibly a good idea for your W to go on the vacation with you. I just read your thoughts after the weekend with her, and that was just a weekend. As far as doing things as a family sometimes, I think it is OK on occasion and nice for the kids, but it seems to me that a whole week would not only be difficult for you, but would trigger reconciliation fantasies for your boys which would only create further disappointment from them.

It sounds to me like she wants the good parts of the R with you but not the parts that require any work. My H did the same thing - he was happy to have family time and have sex with me the first three months of our S - and I played into it because I thought maybe he was coming around. Ummm, no. If she is not saying that she is interested in R or willing to work on the M, she is not coming around - she is eating cake. The longer you serve it to her, the longer you are going to stay attached to her and feeling awful.

As far as interactions with kid exchanges - I decided one day I was going to have the kids ready at the door when H arrived - so as soon as he pulled up, they were halfway down the walk. It would have been weird for him to try to come in then. When he drops them off, I watch for him and I go outside as soon as I see him pull up, and greet the kids outside. It worked. If your W throws another fit about you snubbing her, just let her go next time. Let her live with the consequence of her actions.

This is going to sound harsh, because I know you are desperately searching for a sign that your W may be coming around - but you need to accept the truth right now. Right now, she does not want to be your W. She does not want the kind of R you want with her. When you read into the things she does, you are creating expectations that will almost surely be disappointed. Trust in the fact that if your W wants to come back to you, she knows how to say so. Since she hasn't said so, you need to focus on you and live your life as though she is never coming back.

I remember when someone said something similar to me and I was crushed. But I have found that it is true. I did not start to believe in myself until I started to live as though H was not coming back, and started to accept that he is never coming back.

Hope the parenting time convo goes well - I agree with the others that if your W is not spending much time with the kids, that's her issue to deal with, not yours. You worry about yourself and the kids. Not her.