Hi folks. Took a day or so off from posting to try to stop my head from spinning and to let all of the kind words and advice that I have received here soak in a little bit. That you all for pushing a little strength and inspiration my way....Wonka and PM thank you for your posts.
25, glad you chimed in and I hope you do again soon. Here are some thoughts on what you posted. Keep in mind that I am responding with a pretty reasonable grasp on the reality of my situation. While I still retain hope for your wife to awaken, that is based on 3 things.
1) I really think highly of you, and cannot believe another woman like your wife is blind to that.
2) I don't think she's blind to it AND she knows your son loves you and that pulls at ALL women to some extent...and
3) your wife DID want to reconcile. A part of her still loves you...
To your point #1: I am beginning to accept what people on this board and in my life in general are saying about me be a really good guy/catch that has come a long way in terms of personal growth. My good friends have noticed it and comment from time to time. Here is the clincher: not long after the bomb was dropped and XW and I were on "decent" terms and took S to dinner together. I remember telling her at that time that I did like the feelings that I got when I thought about her dating other men. She said "It's not like there are a lot of good guys out there like you" - I remember wanting to say "I AM RIGHT HERE!!" in front of you! I love you! I love our son!. So maybe on one level, 25, she thinks highly of me - MAYBE....big maybe. But somehow any positive feelings she may or may not have for me seem to be easily short-circuited or erased for whatever reasons. Maybe just for the simple fact that in this "tale" that has been spun I have been cast in the role of villain in her mind and she just can't move me out of it right now.
To your point #2: Last spring when we were trying to R and she was back at the house her mom came to visit. Her mom and I have always had a pretty open rapport. In a candid moment when XW wasn't around her mom said "She really just likes watching you interact with S. It's what really trips her trigger." That meant a lot to me at that time because at least it validated that she realized my relationship with S was different now. She knows S loves me, and I love him right back....more than anything in my life. Still, she seems to be unmoved by that OR she thinks it can be synthesized by introducing OM into his life and letting him interact with and get to our S - maybe. I remember when she moved back to the house she said about her time being single "I just wanted to meet someone that would say 'I like you....and your son is really neat, too". I looked at her and said "I've been saying that this whole time". And unbeknownst to me, that statement really hit her...she mentioned it a few times after that.
So I DO hear you on the "son" part of the equation....loud and clear. In fact, I remember DISTINCTLY earlier on you say that women find the father's of their children sexier when they are close with them. Not sure why, but that stuck with me quite a bit. Notwithstanding, like I said - maybe she is trying to create that with OM right now by introducing S to him. Is that possible, ladies?
Either way: right now the closeness and bond that I have with our son is very evident to her and others and in terms of her feelings about ME -- it would seem to mean absolutely ZERO.
To your point #3: Yes, she DID want to reconcile a year ago. But do you really feel like a part of her still loves me? I mean, I surely don't - but I am by no means the most objective judge in this matter. Part of me feels as if she came back just to try to use our embryo (as you may recall we set off down that path and she literally called it quits again the day before the process was set to start...we even had all the meds shipped to the house).
On her way out the second time she said "My feelings just aren't where I think they should be by now"....we had been under the same roof for 3 months. And that she "felt like we were slipping back into old habits"....she never really elaborated there. But I know this, two days prior she was still moving things back into the house and we were still sleeping together.
25, IF there is a part of her that still loves me (another big "if") it is buried way, way, way, waaaaaaaaaaay down deep under a pile of bad memories/feelings on her part and is being suffocated by the promise of a better life with OM or SOMEONE else.
Like I alluded to before above....this story needed and STILL needs a villain. Because if she can look at me now with thousands and thousands of dollars spent, the families and individuals hurt, the things we have both had to give up, the pain, the tears, the anguish -- and then say "I've made a mistake" - it COMPLETELY unravels her reality. Make sense? It's like the OPPOSITE of canceling a wedding the day before. She's vested in her decision to the point of where turning back now would make her look...well...foolish in her decision to leave in the first place.
Hence, I HAVE to continue to be the blame for things. She CAN'T see good in the three of us together as a family. She CAN'T picture a good future for all of us. But more importantly, she CAN'T look inward and say "here are my contributions to this situation and I maybe...MAYBE made a bad decision." How do you do that in the face of a war that you yourself declared?
At this point, I don't think she is able to. And as a result she has to cling to the narrative that I am "beastly" in some fashion. I mean, really - I wanted to save the M because of child support and alimony?? That has never been who I am. I'm telling our S that "mommy doesn't want to go to this bday party with us"??? She believes that....or she did. So not me.
I had dinner with someone I dated a bit ago in the wake of all of this. She confessed that part of the reason that she was uneasy was that she could see absolutely no reason why XW would not come back....and couldn't even believe she left. And trust me, I did not paint myself as a saint. She said "it just didn't make sense" to her. Wrap your brain around that for a second.
