"You asked if you should learn about depression. You asked if trying to understand is trying to fix.
Yes it is something that you should learn about. It is trying to understand but it can also be trying to fix depending on what you do with that understanding."
Yep. Remember Cadet's welcome post? It says depression is the key and it is always present. So yes, learning all you can about depression will help you. Keep in mind too that even though your wife will have times when she seems normal/happy, the depression is still there because she has not dealt with her issues. THAT is not your job to fix or help with. That's all on her.
You told FY-
" When she acts nice and like her old self it gives me hope and I start to let my guard down and of course when I do that the monster in my W comes out, no matter how well things appeared to have been going up until then."
Don't ever let your guard down. Believe none of what they say, right? Now that doesn't mean don't be friendly, kind, or compassionate. Just don't have any expectations as to how she will respond.
You also said - "I'm spinning because as I try to detach and be more independent I'm pulled back by my thoughts of doing the "right" things, the things my values tell me I should be doing even if those things are things I'd only be doing because I'm married to this person who pushes me away in every way I want her in my life but asks for so much from me when it comes to the responsibilities that a spouse has to the other."
And
"I want to be there for her and her family and she and her mom are asking a lot from me in helping with her grandmother which, if my marriage was anything like a marriage, I would be glad to do. But here I am trying to get my own life going, have put much on hold in the past because of my W's "problems" with anxiety/depression and I know by choosing to help it hurts my ability to detach and also will have to deal with the fall out of W's decision to end her marriage while also dealing with helping her with her family's problems. That's what spouses are for. That is part of the reason you WORK on your marriage so you have someone to help you with life's difficulties. Yet my W expects (and knows because of the kind of person I am) my help while at the same time doing something she admits is wrong and makes her like a "bad" person."
Maybe here's another way to think about it...
You love your wife, even with all she is currently doing. If you want to be there for her and her family, then do so. Would you do these things for a good friend if they needed you? Being a friend to your wife is probably the best gift you could give her right now. True friendship - no expectations, no conditions. Be the man you want to be regardless of what she says or does.
One other thing others have touched on... People have told you we have all been where you are. This is true. We have all heard the spew. I got our marriage was a sham, he didn't feel the same way about me, he hasn't been happy in years, he wasn't sure if he cared about me, and my favorite - he didn't even think I knew what love was.
He has since recanted most of his spew either through words or actions. But that took about two years to do.
This is the tricky part Matt - start to try to sift through the spew. Because no one is perfect, she will say things that have some truth to them. Take that in, but discard the rest. You know in your heart what is really true.
When she is spewing, it's also an opportunity to get a glimpse into what she is telling you she needs. My H said over and over again that he needed space, that he wanted to be left alone. I gave that to him.
Again, I know how hard this all is. Keep taking it one day at a time
Bomb January 2012 - doesn't feel the same about me
~ "There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, hope, and endurance."
