Road to happiness....Part 2

[ye21]

Why there? Why do you believe you were "the happiest" THERE?

I grew up in a town surrounded by nature, fishing and doing outdoors activities was what it gave me happiness, then we moved to the beach and it was the best time in my life....
Here is where one of my biggest insecurities takes place and I was able to see this in the last 4 months....
I dont live the life I want, my life was created by me in order to be succesfull ( my family kept living a life of wealthy people and I was higly educated in seen people and myself as "you are as much as you have" so I wanted to be succesfull in order to be seen as a "better" person for my family... During this period that I am separated from my W, my 2 sisters had showed me, they love me for who I am not for what I have or I had accomplished! This was a great discover.

Again I dont know if Hawaii will be the place, but I will like to try it.


Just something to ponder a bit, maybe. Where is your family NOW?
My mom died when I was 15th, my dad died while I was in Ny, my sisters and brothers live in Spain, the economical situation in Spain its awful and since always USA was my dream and the country after living in many others, that I love the most, I like USA more than Spain so I dont consider the possibility of moving out of this country

how did you "know it was time to move" to Hawaii?
My english level was good enough to try it in Hawaii at that point.

I'm trying also to get you to examine your motivations and reasoning b/c MAYBE your wife felt it was not that well thought out or planned. Maybe she worried she'd be leaving HER homeland for a place where neither of you would find enough work, to live well....maybe?

My W and I never sit down and spoke about buying a house, moving to another state, or so, she will always avoid this conversations...
I understand your point that she might see it as not well planned if we spoked about it, but she always since we meet refused to have this kind of conversations so I was never able to expose my plan, she will always say: lets talk about this another time....


So, to clarify, are you saying that being "more spiritual" meant you were lonely and needed someone....to love you? I mean, we ALL want someone to love us and we all need that.

At that point where I was more spiritual, I felt lonely so I would take any relationship as a valid one without looking to see if the other person has things in commom with me or pursue the same dreams or goals....that was my fault, every person at that point was valid for me to start a relationship... I didnt look into the consequences...

I wasnt in a valid state of mind, I believe it was the beginning of my path and when I was happy with myself I jumped to fast into a relationship without loving myself enough... Thats maybe what it was, I am not sure if thats what you are asking me

WHEN in your relationship, did you tell her, that you planned on moving out there? Was it when you began dating, or later on, or after you had married?

I told her right at the beginning, she told me she didnt want to talk about that. My insecurities (now I can see it, I didnt saw it then) told me: this is a crazy idea, if you move to Hawaii you will loose the only person that loves you, stay and made an effort to be with her because she is the one... So thats how I keep doing things for others leaving aside what I wanted for me.



.. And it was a great try, but a try that made me look for ways to make a lot of money so I could one day buy a house in Hawaii and live in between Hawaii and Ny (ny only because my W its from here...)

Well at that point I was considering NY an option because her family was here, I wasnt trusting that she would be an actress, I was thinking it was a temporary thing.... This is something I have been working on in the last 4 months and I see this in a different way now, thats why I respect her decission and I made no contact with her since she told me she is happier without me.


and you as the performer must derive enough joy from performing and NOT "need" fame, to be happy...

Here is one of the flaws 25 , my W continusly repeated how she wanted to be an actress because her father emotionally abussed her so if she became an actress she would be able to proof him that she could do it, in all the time we were together, everytime she went to an audition or do something related to acting ( she barelky went to auditions, besides the fact I kept telling her, you can do it!! Be gentle with yourself you have the talent! Just go to auditions!!) she will be superdepress and sad and not tell me what happens, close herself crying or only talk to the people in her 12 step program, I never pressured her, I accepted and not ask her what was going on more than once. She just repeteadly say: I dont think I can be an actress, I will say, yes you can, she will explode in rage and not talk to me... So at that point I had no idea what to do.


So when you were angry at your w for kissing a man in a role she was PLAYING and you knew the whole time she was an actress, I felt her pain and frustration. You did not come off too well there my friend. That was the type of thing she'd be advised to stay away from if she told any of her acting friends.

I see this totally, and I feel many times sorry for that, however I am working on fixing that and its not gonna happen anymore, I was insecure and its really sad I could not see this flaw at that time. Is there anything I can do to change that now? No, its painfull and I am not proud, however its time for me to leave that behind and focus in how I will not do that in my future.

You resented her b/c she did not want to give up her dream to pursue yours?

I resented because and this has not change, I believe its totally compatible to have a family and pursuing an acting career, I believe you can pursue being an actress and "plan" with your husband to buy a house or at least talk, just talk about future plans, thats what couples do right? Plan about their future, fantasize, despite the fact that it might or might not come true. I wasn't allowed to fantasize with her, everytime I tried I will be asked to shut up. Thats what builded resentment on me....

I dont know how my life will be, but today I fantasize with being happy, enjoy, keep biking, go to the beach, be healthy... Am I wrong because I fantasize about that? I dont think so.


There are many places all over the world even in America, but I want to try Hawaii.
Hawaii its just at this point what I feel, whats calling me. I found a very nice apartment 15mins away from Waikiki beach, and I have a job offer to work with 2 surf companies there.
this^^ is ALL about YOU, what you want, and not about her or her dreams. You two want very different things...


Yes 25, if you followed my thread you will know that up to today she has not communicate with me, we dont see each other, she moved to another place and I dont know the address or nothing, she totally disappeared of my life, she even refussed to help me with my greencard so I will not loose it.
Yes 25, this time its about me, because in 4 months "waiting" here and working on myself, this is the first time I feel I need to love myself, and be happy and take a break of this city, go to a place where I can seat and work fully on my insecurities and I might be "wrong" by living the city but I reached the point where I see that this is the only solution if one day there is a possibility of R, I need to clarify my ideas and I believe Hawaii will help on that.

Are you saying that in 7 years you have made no friends, and therefore... you will Not be lonely in Hawaii? Think about that ^^ statement, and then see what you plan to do, that will create a different life for you there...(like being a good friend and making friends.)

I did friends, in fact I talk to most of them, there is only an issue...all of them moved out of NY...

So, you are saying you took out your resentment on your wife, the anger you felt b/c you did not pursue your dream, and or your wife did not pursue YOUR dream, Do you see YOUR ROLE in this situation?

How you more or less, created it?

We both created, we both were immature to compromise, I could stay in NY and live a happy married life, all I needed was a person who will communicate with me her plans, a person who will give me something to fight for, being married to a person who will not communicate with me wasn't the way. I have to and I am working on my insecurities, however and thats something I learned with you guys, she has to work on her insecurities.

But if you date or marry someone who needs to be in LA or NYC, don't marry them OR make sure YOU earn enough to do it OR put off your dreams until they are more realistic

I married her because I love her, I compromised to put all my dreams aside, my W never told me about any plans of building something like a dream with me, and the more time that it was passing and her not becoming "famous" (that was her goal) the more anger she will have towards me.

I have insecurities yes, I have to work on them, I can support my wife in her career and build a life in NY or LA, I can work in my insecurities...I probably will never know if that was enough for her, because she didnt communicated that to me.
Would it be a selfish compromise for me to live in NY and LA under her conditions? NY and LA are big, would it be too much from your partner who married you to ask to live in both states but in a place where there is more contact with nature?
Was I selfish for asking her to live 50mins from the city where I could be surrounded by trees? I can compromise to live in NY, but why couldnt she compromise with living 50mins away if that at the end will make me happy?
She can be an actress and I can work in the insecurities, what I cant see so clear is why her dream career cant be compatible with me bein happy as well?