Hi FY. I think the reason I'm spinning so much lately is all the things happening right now that are milestones of sorts. My oldest is graduating HS in a couple weeks and her prom was last night. I always thought of how my W and would share these kind of moments. Instead she is using her grad as the marker of when she will LEAVE us. My youngest is going to HS next year and because of my W "needing" to be on her own, it will be nothing like she has always expected and saw her sister do. I want to be there for her and her family and she and her mom are asking a lot from me in helping with her grandmother which, if my marriage was anything like a marriage, I would be glad to do. But here I am trying to get my own life going, have put much on hold in the past because of my W's "problems" with anxiety/depression and I know by choosing to help it hurts my ability to detach and also will have to deal with the fall out of W's decision to end her marriage while also dealing with helping her with her family's problems. That's what spouses are for. That is part of the reason you WORK on your marriage so you have someone to help you with life's difficulties. Yet my W expects (and knows because of the kind of person I am) my help while at the same time doing something she admits is wrong and makes her like a "bad" person.
I'm spinning because as I try to detach and be more independent I'm pulled back by my thoughts of doing the "right" things, the things my values tell me I should be doing even if those things are things I'd only be doing because I'm married to this person who pushes me away in every way I want her in my life but asks for so much from me when it comes to the responsibilities that a spouse has to the other.
Also I think it's because she hasn't left yet but I know it's just a matter of time. When she acts nice and like her old self it gives me hope and I start to let my guard down and of course when I do that the monster in my W comes out, no matter how well things appeared to have been going up until then. She seems to be nicer as the day goes on but wakes up every morning so angry at me. Maybe because she has trouble sleeping and that is when she says she has all her "bad" thoughts.
You are right FY. I need to stop spinning and these things are just excuses. Just a hard time lately. Thanks.
