buz 28: finally feeling worthy... a new beginning

[makingmagic]

Well, Friday night some truths came out ....... I invited some friends over (married couple), that was part of a small group that I socialize and am personal with. They filled me in on some stuff that was happening & I was involved in something that I had no clue of. Long story short, a male "friend" had been lying to several people about me and trying to sabotage my chances of reconciliation with Xbf. He was saying untrue stuff about me to friends, even sending a letter to church about me and calling Xbf...ALL because I rejected him. Anyway, this made me sick. I brought it up yesterday and explained it all to dbf... THIS is why he has always felt that I had a bf, and it kept him at arms length during that time. He also admitted that since he thought I had moved on, then so did he & thats why he got involved with the OW. That this guy called him in the night & made my xbf so bothered, that he stopped wanting to share drinks (same cup), with me for fear that he didn't know what I had done with my mouth. He was disgusted with me. He said hearing this, led him into different behaviours. I gave him explanations and read him messages from my phone from my trusted friends. He said he believed me.

This led to some R talk, and eventually how he just isn't ready to commit. That he is not "there" yet. He does want to be in a committed R, again...just not sure its with me because he is scared of our history of arguing. He wants to date and see where it goes, he just can't commit. (I didn't understand this... at the moment)

He asked again about picking up my daughter... he wanted to go with me (this is new because he believes that it only takes one person to do the job)... he wanted to spend time with me, hang out before & then go for dinner. I told him I was unsure, as what was the point. (in my head: why bother, if you don't want to commit??).

I had been texting with my gf's during this time, and they asked.... can't I just go and have fun... no expectations, just fun?? Try turning this around. Be non-committal, just wanting fun & to "check" him out. <<<<< this is how I need to view things. Basically interview him and see if I even like him again.

So... I told him that I would go out with him. Joked that it was a "date" and would pick him up in an hour or so. That I wanted to go clean up and change. He said that I already looked nice.

When I went to pick him up.... He couldn't stop looking at me... I know I looked nice, new leopard print MK zippered jeans, tall boots, black leather jacket, gold jewellery. Kinda biker but sexy/classy. Him: Clean sweatshirt, jeans, cologne.. LOL (he doesn't have the clothes to dress up).

Before we got in the car, I grabbed his hands looked him in the eye and said: "Lets just have a fun night, no expectations"..... so we did. It was a fun night, we smiled, laughed and had interesting conversation. Until, I got spooked. I was having fun but then reality hit me that he could be with another woman tomorrow, if he wanted. This led to a discussion of exclusivity that he said he has no problem being exclusive to me... So... this is where I am. I told him that I would consider "dating", if he was prepared to be exclusive. Me only. A safe environment to see if we are what we want in a couple, without other outside interests... no commitment/not guarantees. And to have fun, without all the deep heavy talks...for now. I apologized for wrecking the mood, but that I was scared.

Although, I am skeptic.... I don't believe it was lip service, but I do need to ensure that he understands the full extent of exclusive. He said he did... and he had no problem with it. He just doesn't want the labels at the moment... or to feel trapped, I guess. So that incase it doesn't work between us that he didn't commit (for now) and end up re-hurting me, until we decide to take it to the next level. He also asked about our financial agreement... I said keep it going full steam ahead.

It was then time to go pick up my DD from her event. We sat outside the car and our convo got light hearted & flirty. We started having sex talk. (His fav. subject), this made him laugh and get excited. It was very playful..... this convo was fun. Then DD came out, and we headed back home. She shared her enjoyment of the night, we all laughed and enjoyed each other. We discussed my situation of that threatening guy and she shared her thoughts and I'm sure it made Xbf feel ALOT better, knowing that the guy was delusional in his thought process about me. When we dropped Xbf off at the house, I needed to switch seats, etc... he reached out to hug me, I hugged back (nice hug) and we agreed that we had a fun/nice night...