Road to happiness....Part 2

[25yearsmlc]

Hello 25!! Thank you for stoping by

Well let me go with the responses heheheh.

This is the right thread from now on

First a little background about me:

I moved to NY 7 years ago with 0 level of english after I finish my contract in the marines in Spain.
I moved to NY because I knew that it was the city where I could find the biggest amount of spanish people and I will be able to move myself around talking spanish till I learn english.
The reason why I moved to USA 7 years ago it was because I always wanted to live in Hawaii, it was my dream...but with no english at all I tought it was crazy to do that movement right away.

Its not very important, so please don't worry about my questions, but I'm still not clear about WHY you want to move to Hawaii.
Why there? Why do you believe you were "the happiest" THERE?

I have been there, more than once, and my h lived there growing up. I live in southern California and have for 14 years. I AM affected by weather, so I can understand if that is a reason for you to want sunny days....but I don't know if that is a factor for you in choosing Hawaii. There are many cheaper sunny places to live, however...

My main point is that it's very expensive and some people get what is called "Island Fever" and that is when they feel "confined", b/c they are on an island and miss the homeland. Sometimes they feel "surrounded by ocean/trapped" and it's a weird thing but we knew several people living there, who mentioned it.

Just something to ponder a bit, maybe. Where is your family NOW?

I started after 2 years working for a surf company in Ny, selling their clothes (Quiksilver) and that was because my english level was better so I knew it was time to move to Hawaii.

how did you "know it was time to move" to Hawaii? I'm trying also to get you to examine your motivations and reasoning b/c MAYBE your wife felt it was not that well thought out or planned. Maybe she worried she'd be leaving HER homeland for a place where neither of you would find enough work, to live well....maybe?


I was at that point more spiritual oriented, however ( and I can see all that clearly now) I was feeling lonely, in need of somebody to love me..

So, to clarify, are you saying that being "more spiritual" meant you were lonely and needed someone....to love you? I mean, we ALL want someone to love us and we all need that.

I'm not sure where the spiritual part you mention, comes in EXCEPT - for me, knowing God loves me, makes me LESS lonely...not more so.

Do you know what I'm asking you?


. I was offered by Quiksilver to be transfered to Honolulu and I accepted...3 weeks prior to move there I meeted my W, so....I decided to give it a try..

meaning, you met your wife and wanted to form a relationship with her and pursue it more? And then you wanted to convince her to join you in Hawaii?

WHEN in your relationship, did you tell her, that you planned on moving out there? Was it when you began dating, or later on, or after you had married?

What did SHE SAY when you told her you wanted to move there?

.. And it was a great try, but a try that made me look for ways to make a lot of money so I could one day buy a house in Hawaii and live in between Hawaii and Ny (ny only because my W its from here...)

No....New York because your wife wants an acting career and in New York, (and LA) that is where one pursues that type of career.

I have two adult children in the industry, & I performed some myself, so don't tell me that "there is theater or film in Hawaii"...

You must at least begin an acting career in NY or LA, if you are American...and want to succeed. Or "get discovered" elsewhere...And it's always a long shot. So you marry someone who knows what you want and what you are willing to do to achieve it AND who will support you in the mostly hard lean times...and you as the performer must derive enough joy from performing and NOT "need" fame, to be happy...

but I have seen my straight heterosexual male son kiss a man on stage and in film. And my daughter has had love scenes with men she was not in love with and I---25, was in "The Graduate" and played the older woman with a younger man, on stage. I liked it but my h never once, ever, complained.

So when you were angry at your w for kissing a man in a role she was PLAYING and you knew the whole time she was an actress, I felt her pain and frustration. You did not come off too well there my friend. That was the type of thing she'd be advised to stay away from if she told any of her acting friends.

I'm told that my son is handsome. His girlfriend felt insecure when he had kissing scenes with OWs but he NEVER cheated and frankly I don't believe he was ever tempted. But her jealousy and insecurity made her angry and irritable increasingly and finally they broke up. Don't do that to a person who wants to perform and has talent. If you wife had no talent, I assume someone would tell her so. But if she does, and it's her dream to pursue her art, why did you EXPECT her to change that for you and then resent her for doing exactly what you knew (or should have known b/c she was clear about it) she wanted to do?


Time started to pass and I started to grow resentments due to my W not wanting to move upstate NY or to the beach in Ny ( i needed a place with nature) so basically that started many of our problems and untill recently I couldnt find the reason...

You resented her b/c she did not want to give up her dream to pursue yours?

Were you particularly wealthy by then?? Rich enough to live in both places?
...I didn't think so...

So - you began this relationship with expectations that are unreasonable, and or NOT told to her (did you ever tell her you expected her to move where you wanted b/c that's what YOU wanted? Were you clear about that? IF SO, why did she still pursue acting?)

I believe if you begin a M with unrealistic or UN-communicated expectations (e.g., "she'll cave in to what I want, when she fails at her career, & I hope she does fail, b/c her 'success' threatens me"...) -- then it's a recipe for disaster.


We went to Hawaii last year..... And it was the nicest time in my life, however my W hated that all I liked to do was hinking, biking, swimming and surfing... She wanted to spend time in coffee places writing plays... So I told her, great while you do that I will go surfing and relax, she never told me that was wrong with her so I did it without feeling guilty.

This^^ means that Hawaii was NOT the place for HER...clearly. She can write "wherever" but she cannot publish "from wherever," she cannot perform "wherever"....

maybe once she became financially successful & her agent or manager said "hey, write wherever you are inspired" THEN MAYBE she could move around, but not as she's trying to establish herself in an industry that requires a lot of face time.

If you insist on living in Hawaii, don't marry a New York actress...


Then all the sadness and pittyness and bad feelings I had they were released in that time in Hawaii so at that point I knew for sure Hawaii was my place (at least for a while)

There are many places all over the world even in America, but I want to try Hawaii.
Hawaii its just at this point what I feel, whats calling me. I found a very nice apartment 15mins away from Waikiki beach, and I have a job offer to work with 2 surf companies there.

this^^ is ALL about YOU, what you want, and not about her or her dreams. You two want very different things...


I am planning to start taking classes in college there to go and pursue my career which is Nursing. So far I saw there is a big demand for nurses overthere.

"over there"?

Just FYI, nursing is in demand all over this whole country & most of the western world. It is one of the easiest, most flexible careers with which to move. You have more freedom than most, once you are a nurse.

I was forced in my life to move numerous times so I am not scared to start over, specially since in 7 years I havent keep any friends in NY, I am by myself here anyway.

Are you saying that in 7 years you have made no friends, and therefore... you will Not be lonely in Hawaii? Think about that ^^ statement, and then see what you plan to do, that will create a different life for you there...(like being a good friend and making friends.)


I dont know whats gonna happen with this movement, all I know its that I wasnt honest with myself and I feel me not leaving NY at the time planned made me becoming angry at everything around.


So, you are saying you took out your resentment on your wife, the anger you felt b/c you did not pursue your dream, and or your wife did not pursue YOUR dream, Do you see YOUR ROLE in this situation?

How you more or less, created it?


I will work as a waiter, dishwasher or whatever while I go to college, I dont mind that, however in NY those are the jobs I had been doing and it wasnt a problem.

I waited tables in college and in law school. It's how you do it when you don't have family paying your way. I obviously think It's worth it.


I need to wake up everyday and hear the ocean, see the sun and see an horizon line, bike to my job and to college and feel relax....I know I can do those things there, its not always gonna be easy but how can I say no to the idea of walking at night in the beach?

I'm half an hour from the beach and I love the ocean. But if you date or marry someone who needs to be in LA or NYC, don't marry them OR make sure YOU earn enough to do it OR put off your dreams until they are more realistic

OR find another cheaper beach area, b/c we have LOTS of coast line in this country! You do not have to be in Hawaii to be on the ocean. It's called "compromise".

I will be developing my more spiritual side and see what life brings, and I am sure it will work

Good luck!