She left - 4

[gogofo]

Had a full day with the kids today but found it kind of difficult to maintain being dim tonight.

I have been impatient and a little snippy all day, probably because I didn't get much sleep last night.

I dinner tonight when sitting with the kids it took a lot of mental blocks to not think about the W. I was tired, emotional, and wanted nothing more than to be held by her and cry. I hate having these thoughts, makes the reality of the situation sting a little more.

After dinner I took kids to visit my grandparents. They had fun and my grandparents really enjoyed it. When I was there the W sent a text asking how the kids were, etc. I replied good and that we were at my grandparents visiting. I know I told her about the visit just to hurt her feelings or at least make her jealous. She really loves my grandparents and always wished we visited them more so I told her just to rub her nose in it a little. I even hesitated before sending the text message, but felt compelled because I was feeling hurt tonight. Don't know if it was a bad move or not.

I really wanted to make up the excuse that the kids were asking about her and invite her out for ice cream when I left my grandparents house. Took some will power and focus on remaining dim to stop myself from doing it.

I hope this staying dim these last couple of days is the correct move; it is harder than I anticipated. I think it is the whole thing of doing what gets results not what feels right. I know the idea is for her to miss me but I need to stop fantasizing that she will call or come over all remorseful and upset and be ready to reconcile; this is life not a Hollywood love story.

My feelings are probably different this weekend because of spending two evenings in a row together. It felt really good and now that high has wore off.

Back to working on me and hopefully a good night's sleep. Just really surprised how many emotions I am feeling tonight.