Working on myself

[melissag]

Mic, wow. You haven't given a lot of detail here, but what really struck me about the last few posts are what your H AND YOU are doing to your kids.

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE do whatever you can possibly do to come together for your children. If you want to spend all your assets fighting over money issues, go for it. If you want to hate each other and bicker over churches outside of earshot of your kids, feel free. But PLEASE stop this custody battle. Do you really want to put your kids (let alone yourself) through a parenting investigation?

Here is something that worked for me and my crazy H, who decided a few months ago to make this the most difficult D ever. He insisted on getting a PRE (same kind of things as a CFI, where they do an evaluation and make a custody recommendation). We started that process. It is awful on everyone, and IMO it will end up further damaging your R with your H, and going forward, who will that hurt? YOUR KIDS. So, a few weeks into the PRE process (well before it ever involved our kids), I asked H if he would go see a counselor with me to discuss kid issues and see if we could resolve this on our own. (We happened to find a person who is an expert on kid/divorce issues and a therapist - your L may have a suggestion.) He really couldn't say no, could he? I mean, if he said no, is he really looking out for the best interests of the kids, or is he putting his own crap ahead of the children? (And if he is, does he really deserve more or even equal parenting time than the parent who is looking out for the kids and putting them first?)

We have gone to see her ONE time, and then talked for several hours afterward, and we came to an agreement on parenting time. Not all the details, but the number of overnights with each parent, and an agreement to continue seeing this counselor to help us with the details of the plan and ongoing co-parenting issues. Was it hard? Yeah. My H was still doing his manipulative crap, rewriting history, etc. But (1) we were able to clear up some miscommunications and that calmed my H a little; and (2) with a neutral party (who is looking out for the kids and has no allegiance to either of us) present, he was forced (as was I!) to consider the kids first, not himself.

Yes, your H is being crazy. He is being an a-hole. He is being selfish. All that stuff is true. But since YOU are the sane parent, you cannot just sit back and allow the kids to be hurt and blame your H. You need to take any and all steps you can to make this better for your kids. Even if that means being cordial or cooperative with your H. I am not saying you just lay down and play doormat; I am saying you do the best you can to come to a reasonable agreement with him.

And please remember, your kids don't feel about him the way you do. They LOVE him. He is their Daddy. They love him, and they need him. So unless he is abusing them or there is some other real danger to them, they need to (and I imagine want to) spend time with him. Please don't try to take him away from them.

Forget about you and your feelings and how he feels about you. You need to play on his desire to do what is best for the kids - whether his desire is real or not. (I am still not sure whether my H's is real (or if he is even capable), but since he has to keep up as though it is real, it works either way.)

Can you talk to your L and see if she knows of someone who might be able to referee for you guys? What if you said to H, "H, I know our M is over, and there may be hard feelings on either side. But I think we agree that the most important thing here is our children. Fighting over these custody arrangements is only hurting them. Would you be willing to try to talk this out, with a counselor present to help us with communication and maybe give us some information re: under what circumstances kids do best? I am willing to commit to setting aside my feelings about you and the M and to communicate with you in a cordial and cooperative manner, so we can ensure that we are doing the best we can for our kids in this difficult situation. Are you willing to do the same?"

If he is not - well, that speaks volumes, doesn't it. Get it in writing.

Worst case, you have examples of why he is not putting the kids first; and at least you tried and did the best you could for your kiddos. Best case, he steps up to the plate for the kids.

P.S. My H said the same thing - the kids will be happier (not just happy, but happIER) because they will see that I am happy. Holy narcissist.