Barrybran

[Barrybran]

I've been doing a fair bit of thinking about living arrangements the past couple of days. I feel good that I stood up for myself last night by saying that I won't be moving out. It's my home and I feel I shouldn't have to wear the costs of my wife's decisions. With everything that has gone on I feel that separate addresses are the way to go. I'm struggling to leave my wife alone and even if I can do so successfully, as my wife said, I'm "always here" in the house and I don't want to leave the house just because she can't stand the sight of me at the moment. There is nothing to do in town and we're approaching winter so I want to spend my evenings at home in comfort, not outside the house.

I tried researching ideas for space for in-house separations and the house I'm in is difficult to make it work. We have to pass one another to do what we need to do around the house and there's no true escape. I could go to the shed as my wife suggested. There's nothing down there though. I could hook up a TV and DVD player. I could do that in the spare bedroom too.

I've also given more thought today to the idea of renting a second place with my wife for my wife and I to switch between instead of moving the kids around. There are some huge cons to this for me. It will help to create some distance between my wife and I though and that appears to be very important to her at the moment.

I'm kind of stumped about what to do about this at the moment. All I seem to do is further alienate my wife and I just want to make things more comfortable for the both of us.

Does anyone have any ideas how I can create space within the home?

[tough spot]

I can't figure out a way to create 'space' within the home. Have been living with her since the BD in oct 13....just keeps getting more tense. Of course, we are still fighting about 50/50 custody and that is a huge one for me. Actually, at this point, the only one.

The getting another house isn't a bad idea. Limits the housing situation to two rather than 3, if you chose to keep the marital home so the kids didn't have to shuffle. However, just as my wife and I are agreed (so far) on 'nesting' (keeping the marital home, she moving to her mom's, then when her turn in the marital home, me moving to my dad's) we definitely needs some ground rules.

The only thing I have come up with so far is there has to be a certain amount of cleanliness and food in the fridge (upon handing over the house) plus never having a 'friend' over. I mean, we will be in essence using the same bed, at different times of course, but I certainly don't want any action going on in it and then me having to sleep in it!

By sharing an offsite location, you are now doubling the amount of potential conflict. However, I do think it is the best arrangement for the kids. Both my wife's lawyer and mine have told us we are crazy. My buddies have told me I am crazy, even my IC says she hasn't ever seen it last for more than a few months.

However, once again....best for the kids. And, about all we can reasonably do on our budget. Even if we both lived in the house full time....divorce causes increased expenses through worse tax brackets, separate health care, separate auto insurance, blah blah blah.

So I guess I would recommend getting a temporary custody agreement first, then you can try a few options. Until that happens you just simply can't leave the marital home.

[tough spot]

Oh, and I forgot....if one of the rules (at least for us) is never having a friend over at the marital home....can't really also say that about sharing an offsite place (if one of you two gets seriously involved in another relationship).

No perfect answers here. Sure would be a lot easier if our WAW would get their heads out of their a$$.............

[Barrybran]

That's the hard part, no perfect answers. Right now, I'm just hoping for anything to make the situation easier. I know I need to pull my head in more than anything. I'm going to set up my bedroom as a living quarters and try to stay out of my wife's view, despite some practical limitations. I've reread about giving her space and the same thing keeps coming up: make yourself scarce. I know I haven't done that. I have no intention of going out just because my wife is home though I'll try taking the kids to the park more as well as fixing up a bike in the shed. I don't know if it'll help. It'll be something new and if not seeing me or barely seeing me helps ease the tension then it'll be worthwhile.

So Plan A is to set up my bedroom as a living quarters and Plan B will be to rent a second place with my wife. Plan C (or perhaps, Plan B.1) is my wife moves out. I'd like to try and make things work with both of us in the same house first.

[tough spot]

here is a question for both of us. If we were truly detached enough wouldn't living with our spouses not be all that bad? wouldn't we be relatively stress free because we wouldn't be concerned with what they were thinking?

And in turn, since we would be more relaxed, wouldn't that by default make our WAWs less stressed as well? We would be acting 'as if' with a PMA, possibly not only lowering the WAW stress level but changing their perception of us?

Riddle me that Mr Barrybran!

[Barrybran]

You're right and I've known that for months. I've not figured out what I'm supposed to do and I keep digging myself a bigger hole to the point that my wife wants me out. Neither of us are going anywhere (as far as I know) so I have to figure something out and I've taken the first steps by setting up a private living space.

My interpretation of what you're saying is to forget about what she thinks and just act as if everything is fine between us. I feel I've done enough damage that she'll tell me to F-off if I try and get friendly with her, hence trying avoidance and hoping that by keeping out of her face the tension will ease.

[Barrybran]

A thought just crossed my mind. My wife and I separated for six months before we got married. She was going to move out and instead, I offered to move out as she and the kids were stable and I had to get away. I was out of the house, and the country, two days later. At the time I had time and money and I thought we were done forever. I had no legal ties to the kids (S6 and D4) and I didn't know if my wife would encourage me being a father to them if I'd stayed. This time round, I have a job, the kids are older and our bonds are stronger and I've set my house up as a home. I want to stay and I intend to do so.

The thought I had though was this. I want to hold on to this place in case my wife and I reconcile as it's a great house for us and the kids. It's far too big to manage on my own if my wife does leave and if I were appropriately protected (time with kids) and compensated (it's her idea to live in different houses so I'm not footing the bill) I'd be OK with moving. Are there any circumstances where I could be the one who moves out?

[Lostforwords]

B,

As TS said above...both of your (you and TS) current problems are largely a result of yourselves. You talk about detaching, you ask about detaching, you have garnered answers to detaching, yet you are not succeeding in it.

You talk about how hard it is to gal and you come up with reasons to explain why you aren't. I would like to see you change your thoughts from why you can't gal to why you should be. Make gal'ing a goal for yourself.It can be with the kids, with co-workers, or just yourself. For the next week make it a goal to walk (with the kids) or run at least 1 hour everyday. No excuses....if you don't have a stroller then carry the kids...No running sneakers...then get some. No more excuses and more doing.

As for the separate households. First, I definitely agree with making your bedroom a one room apartment. Stay in there and it is your space (the shed to). I also think you should consult a lawyer before anybody moves out. Rules are different in other countries and you need to be aware of the kids (as a side note...You also need to think about CS in the future. The truth is 2 of the kids aren't really yours and you need to think on that).

I also think that you need to stand firm in that you are not leaving your family. You did it in the past in 2 days, you did it by cheating, and now it is coming up again. Now that is a 180 for you big time.

Finally....Work on Mach's questions....burn them into your mind and soul.

Nothing great happens when you hold back.

[Barrybran]

Thanks LFW. I haven't considered seeing a lawyer yet. So far, I'm standing firm on staying and leaving the decision to leave to my wife. I've set up my room today so I'll hibernate there as much as possible and I've just refreshed myself with Sandi's rules. The kids are back tomorrow night so that will be the first big test of how workable this arrangement is. My wife's brother and his fiance are staying with us for a week from Monday and that will be another big test. My wife has told them that we're separated though I'm not sure if she's told them why. Fun times ahead anyway.

As for the older two kids, my wife says she'll continue to treat me as their father. They call me Dad, I'm the only Dad S6 has ever known and I've been more of a Dad to D4 in a few months than her real Dad has been her whole life. We're arranging another round of mediation and my wife plans to include me and not tell D4's bio Dad about our separation 1) because she hasn't figured out what she wants between us and 2) because my wife feels that it has nothing to do with D4's bio Dad because of his attitude towards fatherhood while I'm down in the trenches every day.

I haven't forgotten about Mach's questions. I've put them on hold while I sort through these couple of issues so I don't start new threads within a thread. I'll come back to them when things settle down a bit.

[Barrybran]

Also, is there a typo in this part? I'm not sure I follow what you're saying here:

I also think that you need to stand firm in that you are not leaving your family. You did it in the past in 2 days, you did it by cheating, and now it is coming up again. Now that is a 180 for you big time.