One of the things that really helped me in the initial stages of DBing when I first got here was the statement that relationships are made of two people. If one of those people changes, for better or for worse, the relationship changes by definition. This was tied to the notion that no matter what I thought W's problems were at the time (hormones, depression, unresolved childhood issues, etc.) that it didn't matter. I could not do a thing to change or fix any of it. I could only work on me and fix not just what I thought was wrong, but what she had pointed out when she dropped B.
Those two thoughts were the inspiration for me taking responsibility for my side of the railroad tracks and ultimately improving myself as a person and a spouse. I don't regret that one iota. I changed myself and hoped that it would ultimately change our R over time. Maybe in some respects it did -- she DID move back for awhile. But I think that while I was busy trying to fix myself and change - she was not particularly doing the same. She had suffered, she had almost dropped below 100 pounds, but I don't think she confronted much or owned much - that still remains evident.
Without work on her part, regardless of what I do/did, nothing was ever going to resolve. I don't say this as a knock at all, but back when we were doing C some time ago whenever the spotlight turned to her and her "stuff" she wanted to stop going. In my journey I have learned that facing your own ugliness is painful. I did not want to own being a right-fighter, or selfish, or a hands-off dad, or a neat-freak, or judgmental, or inflexible, or insensitive....or a lot of other things. But they were all there - not seen by me, but seen by others - especially my XW. But owning them was l liberating. I could admit to all of those things, trace my actions to all of them, be ashamed, and fix them. Ultimately making myself a better man, I think. But also making me appreciate my old like as husband and father. I am not speaking ill of her, but I don't think she has arrived there yet.
One of my favorite quotes is "when suffering becomes more painful than change, you will change". I got to that point, and I changed. I know that she has suffered, I know this -- but I am not sure if she has hit the low point that I did. I am not framing it as a contest - but I don't know if the motivation has been there for her yet. Not to say that if it WAS the outcome at this point would be any different.
I guess I say all of that to say that as much as I am mourning my M, the lost time with my S and the future I wanted with my family - I am also mourning hope. Hope for a turnaround helped keep me positive. And I feel like that hope is pretty much evaporated.
Know what's funny? The only thing...ONLY thing, that has changed in the last month is the appearance of OM and learning that he is meeting my S. Nothing else has changed. Clearly that alone was enough to put out the candle I think I was still burning. But it also says I was clueless.
Probably said this before, but I had a good friend tell me last week that maybe God is protecting me from XW right now because things would still be bad if we tried AGAIN to R and there was no change on her part. Eventually, she would leave again. I try to keep that viewpoint in mind....that I am not being spiritually ignored or punished, but protected. Looking at where I think XW is....I think that is true.
