buz 28: finally feeling worthy... a new beginning

[makingmagic]

"The whole premise of this site is in saving a relationship on the brink"

I made this ^^^^^^^ my SOLE focus. I didn't realize the importance of self value and self respect as part of it. I also was focused on only HIS feelings/responses not my own. I purposely set aside the importance, so that I could FOCUS on saving my relationship.

I need to never mind how HE feels/thinks so much and be more concerned about my own. With that said, this is my current position/all details:

Have said "no thanks" for coffee for 4 days in a row.... said no, when I wanted to (as I did want to still feel his connection), I also wanted him to still feel my connection, said no because I really wasn't thirsty for coffee (but again, still wanted his connection) said no because I don't want his crumbs, said no because I deserve better.

He has brought coffee to work when I declined, and will sit and drink it alone. I puttered off to do other work, within his view.

I guess, he will eventually stop asking if I want coffee....

The last 2 nights he has made statements of "ok, Ive got stuff to do" and has left work before me... kind of rushing out...like I used to do to create busy/mystery.

A situation has arrived that my DD will need a ride into the city tomorrow. Two nights ago, I asked her to ask him for a ride (not just me.... I figured I could go one trip and he could do another), his reply was that he would talk to me about it and see what we could come up with. This seemed odd to me, as he could have just said to her "sure, I'll take you one way".

The next morning, he brings it up... asking me if i have plans on Saturday night (as we work Saturday), he was careful on his wording but it suggested that we go together to pick her up on Saturday night. That she could take the train into the city as it would be safe and day light.

Heres the dilemma: As I don't want to play games, and I want to respect myself and stand for my boundary, but still wanting to keep that first statement as my ultimate goal. (just not at the cost of losing my self value anymore). I know I am not ready to be around him, it would just hook me.... so I should probably just say that I will manage and get her myself.

I also want to go, because I want to show myself that I will not be hooked... I just don't think I am ready yet.

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Today: Will start my day with some exercises, light cleaning & then focus on some work stuff until our usual 4-6 office hours.