With All My Hopes and Dreams

[soldier]

Thank you Nettles for all the encouragement. I am feeling better than I have in a month of Sundays and my working out is getting easier and easier and I am actually starting to look forward to each new day as opposed to in the past where I always seemed to dread them.

I have one very positive addition to the already awesome lunch that me and W had. Later that day I picked my D5 up for a birthday party that my niece was having. That night my wife called to get some more professional help and I stayed very calm and completely removed any expectation from the earlier lunch from the equation. I helped her with everything she needed and then gave some admin notes about D5 about our next kid swap. I knew she had another big interview coming up for her pending new job that I have been helping her with and so I ended the conversation with some strong encouragement that was 100 percent focused on her and had nothing to do about me or R at all. I kept this short but powerful and then wished her a good night and right before she hung up the phone she said “I love you baby” to me and I actually paused for a second as it had been so long since my W had said those words to me. I recovered quick so as not to make it weird and said I love you too and good night and then I hung up the phone.

I know this could have been just a slip up but that is still ok as my time in the military taught me that slip ups only happen when defenses are becoming loosened and people are getting lax. People only get lax when they feel safe and secure about the area that they are at. As always I am going to keep this internally for me as motivation and flush all expectations from my system. It still feels like the lines of communication are starting to open up between us which is making very happy.

I did see an IC for two sessions but I was unable to connect with that particular therapist. I am going to try to find one that specializes in the particular personality disorder that I seem to exhibit several signs of as I feel pretty strongly that I may have this disorder. It is borderline personality disorder and it is a very common disorder among emotionally abusive people. The last book I read “The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing” talked about it in-depth and I learned quite a bit about it. Suffice it to say I meet almost all of the criteria of this disorder and I think this is part of what I need to take care of if I ever want to have a new relationship with my spouse.

I have moved on to another one of my books and this one is called “The 5 Languages of Apology: How to Experience Healing in All Your Relationships” and as always after I actually get some ways into it I will give a book review but it is written in part by the same author of “The 5 Love Language Men’s Edition” that I have on deck. I have heard good things about this book and it is all about being able to give true applies that will actually reach people on a subconscious level in order to allow for real reconciliation. This may be a bit early for me in my current situation but I still think it is important information.