Dealing with an ongoing affair

[PeterV2]

You shouldn't have done that. DO NOT involve family. DO NOT talk to family about your sitch. Especially if it's HER family. Guess what, she WILL find out and when she does, she will see it as you manipulating things behind her back.

I'll stop talking to them about it. But I feel like she's my daughter too, not just "her family". And they brought it up to me. I'm not going to lie to her, I have a truthful relationship with my kids. They asked me if I knew about the OM and I said yes. They knew we were having problems and have been asking all along how things were going. They just hadn't known about the OM until his brother told them what he saw.
My therapist said they should tell her they know, but MUST tell them it was not me who told them, but Brad's brother who told them. Or maybe they should just keep it to themselves for now.

Yesterday was an ok day. She lives at her business, a retirement home, which we run together, and I had to clean out the garden shed so I brought her a coffee in the morning and we sat in the sun and talked. She had said the day before that Monday she had the worst anxiety attack ever - all day. That was after Sunday night when I went by the retirement home and she wasn't there and then sent her a text at 1:30am.
Anyway, yesterday she seems better and told me her mother told her how much her mother loved me and thought I was the greatest, in tears of joy. I got emotional and Taz (wife) asked what’s wrong but I couldn’t go there so I called a time out and walked around the corner and cried. When I returned we got into a deep relationship talk. I told her I had an awakening and I’m getting on with my life with or without her (maybe not the best time to mention that). She took that as meaning I want a divorce, but I told her that’s the last thing I want. Then she thought that I meant I wanted to start dating, but I said I have no interest in dating – I’m not at all looking to get into another relationship. Then she became quite angry that she had suffered for 7 years while I was having a “relationship” with my ex-wife, which I said I was not but she insisted that I was because I was handing things over to her upon demand. And just because I’ve gone through a little pain over the last couple of months it doesn’t hold a candle to how much pain she endured over 10 years, losing her identity for my sake. I told her she shouldn’t have done that. She said I gave her no choice (not true). She accused me of being selfish, always wanting my way and always nagging and being persistent enough to get my own way all the time and never taking her feelings into consideration. She blamed me for pushing her into buying the retirement home (not true). I apologized for my past behaviour and said I am learning many things now including how to be more compassionate and empathetic and I feel her pain and wish it to pass soon so she can be happy once again. She said she’s not going anywhere, but she’s not at a point where she wants to make any big decisions. She agreed with me that we are a dynamic, powerful couple and could do great things together. I told her there is a path to that and it’s simple but not easy: if what you’re doing works do more if it, if what you’re doing doesn’t work, stop doing it. She commented that that was very simplistic. I just said it was that simple. It just required work to stick to it. We hugged and kissed and she said that she did love me. Then she left to go to lunch with a girlfriend.
Man this is a rollercoaster! :s

Last night I was finishing up organizing the garden shed after work (I also run my own company as well as help her run hers) and she returned from a day out with friends and told me how great a day she had. We talked about things like that for a while - always good to fill up my love bucket. Then we hugged and kissed and I went home. She sent me texts of appreciation for all the work I did yesterday for her business. I replied that my love language is "acts of service". She said it's all appreciated. I thanked her for loving me. She sent me a big smile.
So a few tense moments in the day but all ended well.

I may put my Last Last Resort move which I was thinking of invoking on hold. Looks like things may improve for a while. I just have to stay the course. I just wish she’d stop seeing him. But I have no control over that. I just have to disconnect when she does. Maybe fly to The Bahamas for a mini vacation when she does that. Get drunk on the beach. Stick my head in the ocean and scream.
In the meantime I need to stick to my plan. And like it says, when in crisis, consult the plan, not my emotions.
Although, on second thought, I think pulling back more can only improve things.
It's just so hard when we see each other almost every day because of the business. So I just have to stay the course – wish me strength. Still I need to get a life regardless.