Hi Mach1, As much as we all like to think we are our own person we do depend on a very few select few people in our lives. For me the number one was my wife. To watch the person I've known go away and be replaced by this alien is rather confusing. I will say when my W went into her depression around 7 years ago, I lost a big part of myself. I had to take over so much of the day to day and still go out and make a living and my world became smaller for sure.[/qoute]
Then a few minutes later you post this...
[quote=Matt165]First, God no, I don't think she is responsible for my happiness or me hers!
So which is it?
AJM said he could have written your story.
Guess what?
Most of us here could.
Personally, I married someone who didn't believe in divorce.
Until he did.
I married someone who said I was a good W.
Until he didn't.
I married someone who wanted to be and was a dedicated father.
Until that changed.
You asked if you should learn about depression. You asked if trying to understand is trying to fix.
Yes it is something that you should learn about. It is trying to understand but it can also be trying to fix depending on what you do with that understanding.
Reality...you weren't the perfect H. I wasn't the perfect W. There is no perfect in this world.
Odds are you were/are, or appeared to be controlling in some instances. We all have that tendency.
And while MLC happens and it isn't something that we created or caused, the fact that we weren't perfect in our M, gives some validity to the stuff that they use for reasons as to wanting to leave the marriage.
Those are things we can change. Those are the things we can do something about so IF they do come out of the fog and choose to return, the issues that were in the M are not there anymore.
You have anger that is understandable.
At your W for not meeting your expectations.
At your FIL for returning, interferring, and for basically being the cause of what your W is going through now.
You have to deal with that anger and let it go if you are to have any real hope that your W will return to you. Because one of the biggest things that keeps them from coming back is the fear of the fallout from what they have done.
Read more. Learn more. And drop the defensiveness.
You have a long way to go in this process.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
