Wow. I just read back over my thread. I have been so up and down. I mean I knew that but looking back at it, whoa. I have come a long way. I was really negative then. That was how he described me when he left. Maybe he was right.
One thing I have realised I haven't mentioned in all this is some history. In 2009 when I was 24 weeks pregnant with D4 he announced (just after we had signed a Lease for a new rental) that he didn't love me and was done. He never moved out but disappeared for about 6 weeks. Finally he decided to talk to a C with me, and I thought we had worked through it and were stronger than ever. I. The 4 years since then we hit married, had our son, moved continents, bought our first home. So it's even a big 4 years. With plenty if opportunities to say 'I'm not sure' I would have thought if you had serious doubts about our relationship.
But now I'm wondering if maybe he was telling the truth in 2009, and has spent all this time trying to convince himself. It would make him an amazing actor, and me blind but maybe? My IC thinks he isn't well, his behaviour is too erratic and his personality change too complete. I don't know. I'm just missing him today, and our kids are struggling these past few days. They keep having sad moments and when I ask what's wrong they say they miss daddy. I just tell them I miss him too, and reinforce how loved they are, and to tell daddy how they feel.
I'm struggling a bit with GAL at the moment, trying to find things to do with the kids in tow. But I've made some new friends too which helps. Found a lot of strength in my faith too. Preparing for the worst but hoping for the best pretty well sums me up at the moment.
