I really think I finally got it!! This thread will be about ME! I was really focused on his feelings and was taking it personally. Today, I don't.
Not sure what happened overnight, but suddenly it has smacked me in the face.
Heading off to work soon. I am not prepared yet to indulge in coffee time with him, and may even explain why... honestly. Honesty: because I feel it confuses me. (not sure I should tell him though) but since I am not playing games...guess it really doesn't matter.
I hope you will all continue to support me. I will NOT be perfect, and will likely slip up. Please pick me up and point me in the right direction, if you feel you can.
Thank you!
MM
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
I understand I have alot of skeptics on here... I doubt myself at times too.
~~~~ standby
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
(not talking about him)... just recognition: In working with him today, we battled a bit about a real estate transaction that might take place that will change the way & location of where we conduct business. During this process, I realized that my Xbf is a "salesman"... I have never looked at him quite like this before. He uses words like "hook and bait", tactics, tell them what they wanna hear, do this X...to buy time, etc. I just NEVER thought he might use this stuff on me... NOT saying he is... but, not going to bury my head now either.
________________________________
MY EPIPHANY:
Today, a friend (who is going through it too) came over and said something that hit me ..... something to do with fixing himself first, not paying attention to HER reactions. (Except he doesn't know or want to DB). THIS JUMPED at me.
Tied this into my display of truth on Saturday, to which he merely takes for granted and rightfully believes that I will still be here, at his request. In fact, probably to the point of thinking I was increasing desperation and not taking me seriously.... and why should he?
This began my "3 day ~ NO coffee" approach, along with reading about Pearlharbr. I was doing it, but not fully understanding why or what yet... just knew that I should do it.
NOW TODAY... I GET IT!!! I truly get it... I am disappointed in myself for allowing it to actually get this far... I have SELF-VALUE...TODAY!! and actually if he thinks that I am not of FULL VALUE, then he is really not worth it either. If I don't believe in myself then why would anyone else. Once I start walking the full walk (beginning more so today), and believing fully in myself...this will be like an aura over me/ a new way of living... and people will believe me too. Because, it is my authentic truth. IF I don't believe I am worth it, no one else will ... And ... it will show.... either way.!!!
I hope I was able to express myself and for it to be known. I AM WORTHY!! I am better than this.
I hope that there will be no mistakes or slip ups because I believe who I am ... NOW.
THE BEST PART: I came to these answers BY MYSELF!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tonight... grabbed a case of beer, enjoying one while heating up dinner for DD and I... will watch TV with her soon. Looking forward to it.
Books I am reading:
~ What really works with Men - Justin Sterling
Next:
~ Single Survivor ...... has anyone read this? I am interested now/finally in accepting my "singleness" (not to date, but because of the other benefits/growth it offers)... because I want to embrace being single & of single mind (trusting my own judgement & preparing myself to be responsible for it ~~~ new behaviour that I MUST embrace).
______________________
When I re-read what I just wrote.... it all "SOUNDS" good. I am scared but really really think I understand... I hope I don't slip up... I want to be held accountable.
XX, MM
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
ooooh... another GREAT realization... is that I understand that THIS new me, may just turn his head back my way, a side effect... HOWEVER, that is NO LONGER my goal!!! Sure, it would be great... but the BEST PART: MY SELF-WORTH!!
I think I like the new me!!
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
"THE BEST PART: I came to these answers BY MYSELF!!"
Congratulations. I admit though that your statement sounds a little rude to those who have posted to you these exact ideas and thoughts for over a year and you kept arguing against them rather than trying to understand. It makes it sound like we didn't do anything for you and that you did it all on your own. Just being honest.
Good luck to you.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
OMG... OH HELL NO!!! I owe everyone a HUGE apology and beg for forgiveness!! PROFUSELY!!!
Please know.. I am a work in progresss.... I don't EVER wanna be THAT person again!!! I just hope not to slip back to her!!!
~~~~
I am euphoric... and in TEARS !!! (that might be the beer...LOL) JK>>> its the first one and not even half done!!!
CHEERS TO ME & EVERYONE WHO PUTS UP WITH ME!!!!
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
its ok Rick... I don't fully believe me yet either.
I do realize that for it to be believable, is when I BELIEVE in myself.
I am just getting my feet on the ground. It will take some time.
I am afraid that I will lose my confidence and slip up. I just have to somehow remind myself that I AM WORTHY and mean it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bond... again, sorry that my post may offend some. Again, I owe many of you (here & gone)... much of my gratitude toward this success. However, it doesn't really matter how much you TELL someone (or more, how much I asked)... their AHA moment comes from themselves, when they are ready. Even my daughter said "this is what I've been telling you all along!!!".... I guess it is all the constant from this site, compounded with my discovery weekend aha's, then my Saturday truth/confrontation/reallity, Pearharbr's story, words from a friend, then another aha surprise from discovery.... all together made it click for me.
I am grateful.
NEW DAY !!
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
"... is that I understand that THIS new me, may just turn his head back my way, a side effect.."
your own words give you away. all you've done is reword it slightly different, but obviously your true focus hasnt really changed.
i think what you're realizing is that you're losing us, and now you're just selling, tell us what you think we want to hear. i dont think its working tho.
"In a ham and eggs breakfast, the hen is involved, but the pig is committed".
