First, God no, I don't think she is responsible for my happiness or me hers! That is one of the things that has me so confused as to why she blames her level of Unhappiness on her "bad marriage", like if you have a "Good marriage" you automatically are "happy".
As for depression, believe me, I read so much about depression back when my W was diagnosed the first time, I became an expert. Problem is no one really knows how or why anyone becomes depressed. Chemical imbalance in the brain? Childhood trauma? Genetic predisposition? I watched her get so low I would leave for work in the AM and she hadn't moved from the chair she was in when I got back 12 hours later. Believe me I didn't DEPEND on her for anything since she couldn't depend on herself!
No Marriage doesn't look like that to me. My parents have been married for close to 60 years. They do not depend on each other for their self-worth and I don't depend on my wife for mine. I will say that while we have kids that depend on us, I do expect my wife and their mother to be a good parent. I expect my wife to not, after 20 years suddenly change priorities and say personal happiness comes before not only what's best for our marriage but what's best for the FAMILY.
As for still trying "all the wrong things" the only reason they were the "wrong things" is because she is having a MLC. The things I did were reasonable if I had been dealing with someone who was in their right mind. Yes, I don't think my W is in her right mind. People who are thinking normally do not "forget" important responsibilities. They do not go from one extreme in the way they think and feel about what is right and wrong to the other in the blink of an eye. As for still trying the wrong things, well considering I'm not trying anything but giving her as much space as possible, I don't see how I can still be doing anything "wrong".
As for not really knowing how she felt in the past or what she valued, you couldn't be more wrong. She was greatly affected by her childhood. She has had trust issues for many years and tested me in many ways before we got married. Before we got married we talked in great detail about what we each valued and expected from our partners. The number one thing that she had to know that I agreed with was that you don't go into marriage thinking that divorce is EVER a possibility. She said doing that pretty much insures that at some point when your going through a hard time, you will end up divorced. Divorce was for 'weak' people who refuse to work out problems. She also has, until now, always said that "love' was a verb, not a noun. It's something you DO, not something you FEEL. She was saying just this all the way up until she started down her MLC path. She was a stay at home mother by her choice. I didn't try and get her to do it nor did I try and stop her. It was important to HER and while it meant less money, I backed what she wanted. I have supported her in whatever she felt she wanted to do from BEFORE we were married. When she wanted to finish college before she married, I told her she could live with me, go to school full time and when she was done, we could marry. I never thought of it as sacrifice, I was happy to help her reach her dream.
I have supported her in every way I knew how for 25 years. Whether it was something I "agreed" with, was my way or hers, I have given her my support. As for fighting her on what SHE believes NOW, well it's up to her how she wants to live her life BUT when it comes to the kids I can not and will not support the attitude that "We all hurt our kids, they'll get over it"! I can't support the attitude that her "happiness" at this moment is more important than what is best for our kids and their lives now and in the future. I won't support the attitude that our marriage is just "bad" and that she doesn't need to try when it would just be easier to divorce and go our separate ways, damn how it affects the kids, me or even her!I know that I can't change her mind but I also will not be 'supportive" of it! I may need to hold my tongue and let her find out on her own that this attitude doesn't lead to "happiness" but I'll be damned if I support her doing it!
As for being "controlling". I have no idea how I could have been LESS controlling! When I worked and she stayed home with the kids, it was as equals. I never stopped her from doing anything she wanted. We moved into the house SHE wanted. Bought the furniture she wanted. Went where she wanted to go. If anything, I gave her way too much control, control she really didn't want at the time.
As for getting in the way of her self esteem or being "critical" in how I supported her. Unless saying how proud I was of her or how much we all appreciate her is "criticism", unless when she would say how fat she was (she wasn't!) and me saying how I wish she could see herself the way I see her and how beautiful I thought she was is "criticism", standing up for her when her father would put her down saying how embarrassed he was to have to tell his friends his daughter was "nothing" because she was a stay at home mother, than no I don't see that. I'm sure I wasn't always perfect, no one is. But I have tried all my life to be the best husband I could. Her issues go back to her childhood and her and her fathers relationship (or lack there of). I really don't think that it is just coincidence that her first depression started after her father who didn't care about her and was openly hostile to her because she was "nothing" when she was a stay at home mom, suddenly told her he wanted to make up for all the bad things he did (his father had just died) but only her, he didn't want to be bothered with her husband or kids. That he is and has been openly pushing her to leave her family so she can be "somebody" for the last 7 years and the fact that he is the only person telling her that she is doing the right thing now isn't part of this. The fact that he had cancer and she is afraid that time is running out for her to have a "good" relationship with him isn't part of this as well. Of course it is.
Mach, sometimes and I think many times in fact, the LBS has very little to do with WAS's MLC. If I thought I was responsible for making my W happy, I'd be stepping out of the picture and saying "Oh, well. I guess I just couldn't do my job and make her happy". If I wasn't certain that what she is thinking is the big "answer" to all her life's unhappiness, throwing away 20 years of marriage and ripping her family apart ISN'T the answer, I would support her and just go on and start over with someone new. I have seen this on other marriage sites. I MUST have done SOMETHING to cause her to do this. I was controlling or I am rigid and don't like it when things don't go exactly MY way. No Mach. Even my W says that I've been a great husband and father at times. She just wants to be happy and she thinks that if she is on her own, in control of EVERY part of her life she will find this. The fact that at the same time it's exactly the thing her dad wants her to do, that the man who didn't even bother to tell her he was getting married, let alone invite her (her grandfather had to tell her, after the fact)because, well he just didn't care, is cheering her on and telling her how "proud" it makes him that she is "growing" into the kind of person he can be proud of is a big part as well.
If she is taking things out of the "box" and trying them on and she decides that the things that she needs to be happy include her putting her family below her job, her friends, her "fun", if sheding me and her kids from her life really makes her "happy", if the new person she decides to be is this person who is acting like they are 20 not 47, then maybe I did marry the wrong person. But, I really think that once she gets thru the tunnel, once she tries on all the new and "shiny" "things" and none of them bring her the lasting happiness she craves, she will come back to be more like the person she was. I know she will NEVER be that person again, anymore than I can ever be the person I was before all this started but I believe at some point she will understand that she is looking in all the wrong places for what she wants. Hell, if I wanted to believe that all the MLC spouses out there are just doing the thing they think is right and us LBSers are just plain wrong to just not step aside and say "Oh, look how great it is that our W/H has finally found the way for them to be happy! You want a divorce? SURE! You want to run off for weeks at a time and neglect the kids and leave me stuck? SURE! You're just doing what YOU need and even if the people who have loved you and counted on you the most (S and kids) have to pay the biggest price for your new found "happiness", that's OK, as long as you're "happy"" then why bother with DBing or standing?
Am I supposed to learn as much as I can about depression just to know? Or to be better able to deal with what my W throws my way? Is trying to understand trying to fix? Far from not wanting my opinion on MOST things she depends on me still in many ways. I have noticed now that she knows that I'm not just saying something nice to her to get something from her (since she has made it clear she has nothing to give)although I never did that but she may have thought I did, she can accept compliments from me when deserved without having to tell me how wrong I am (and no, I'm not fawning over her. I only give my opinion when asked).
I know she is in pain. I know that she is looking for ways to "feel" better about herself, just like all MLCers do. I know she is depressed/anxious and wants it to stop so badly she will try anything and everything until she finds what works. I know she must go through this process alone. That doesn't mean I have to like it, agree with the things she does or support those things that damage her family, me, what we've worked for the last 20 years or herself.
