Have I any hope...?

[25yearsmlc]

The sort of response I was looking for ie someone to tell me where I am going right or wrong.

You will get that advice here. Please consider it. Often, it will seem the opposite of what you think you should do.

She definitely knows I'm an attentive dad. She told me this when splitting with me... that I was a great husband and dad. But she obviously wants/needs more.

When she talks to you, listen for the clues as to what she thinks is missing. If you think there is something in what she says that you think would make you a better person, regardless of whether you ever R, then you should plan to make the changes. For you, not for her.

If I do stay tonight (and I'm obviously going against your good advice if I do) I want her to the see the changes I have made. And I want to reiterate that I have made changes for ME.

You shouldn't be rescuing her. She has chosen to leave; there are consequences; it's not your job to soften them.

Going over there for her AND THE CHILD is not really rescuing her like paying extra money to cover her new car would be...

Plus, if you refuse to go now, you are 1) unreliable b/c you broke your word; and 2) you will appear punitive.

I can't see how you can back out now, without it being weird AND OR a negative. Just don't keep doing it unless there's a good reason (like she invites you to dinner..., which would be a positive NOT to be blown.

When you do interact with her for whatever reason, see it as an opportunity for her to see the new you WITHOUT you mentioning a thing.


Do not talk about your changes. She will resent it because you are only making them now, after "ruining her life".

mind reading and projecting again. Every situation is different and not all WASs are alike..

And whatever you do, don't tell her you made changes for you, because that's just you being selfish.

I disagree with this^^^. Aside from more mind reading, what reason CAN he give if the changes are not for him? For HER? That's not true change; it's a tactic that won't last...

He can say, IF & ONLY IF SHE COMMENTS, and assuming it's not an insult that she says but merely noting a change in him for the better

thank her for noticing but add that YOU "always meant to work on this" and that you are "glad to be doing it now"...and if she says "AH but too little too late!"

he can say "well, better late than never AND "IF I had it to do over again, there are many things I'd do differently"---this statement shows change on your end, it does not escalate the issues into an argument, it does not make your comments into defensive remarks.

Speak without offending, listen without defending.

And the reality will be unsaid, but it's out there....someone will benefit from YOUR changes with the new improved you.....and if it's not her, then you and -- some OW....will benefit.

That will probably bother her. The idea that my h would again be the man he once was with me, but with some OW, actually motivated me to give him another chance when he wanted to reconcile (at that point I had sort of become the WAS).

Though it may come out as anger, which is not unreasonable when you think of HER point of view, it's still true that you are becoming an improved man.

And since she wanted changes in you to come, how can she not help but wonder if you may have just become the exact man she needs?...and you are the father of her child as well...You want her to second guess her choices!


And it's all about her in her mind right now. Now is not your moment. Hate to say this, but you will be at this for months and months. This will be hard, and painfully slow. Make your changes for you. Quietly. Patiently. She'll notice, but won't care for a long time. And you will come to realize that since you are making the changes for you, that it becomes less important that she validate or recognize them.

Stop talking about you and your changes. Communicate with actions only.

You must become a model patience and stability. You are working on your long term life plan.

^^ makes sense. Have you been talking about your changes? I didn't notice that. But stop it if you were.

You will not be driven by emotional reaction to her ever changing moods. Her spiders do not figure into your plan, not even a little bit.

You can do this. I think there's hope for you guys. Don't rush things. there's a huge downside to taking things too fast or pressuring, whereas there is almost no downside to slowly building a foundation for a long lasting loving marriage.