The questions "what has been my motivation" and "why have I been afraid to LRT or drop the rope" have the same basic answer....and yes, it is an embarrassing one but I am being honest....and no sooner do I say this than I know the well-deserved 2x4s will come - but this is it. I always felt that if I went totally cold, didn't go out of my way, didn't somehow PROVE to her that I had changed and was willing to work for a better relationship.....that she wouldn't trust me and she would never come back. I feared that me shutting her out or just walking away cold to let her deal with her own messes would be read as me TRULY giving up, not caring, and would confirm all of her misconceptions that I was miserable in our marriage and that there was no love in our house. I did choose to change myself, but I also chose to continually do my best to show love, change and kindness when I could. And, well, we see where that has gotten me. Still too attached....and she has found OM.
Sandi, I didn't listen or follow directions well. It was nearly impossible for me to see her struggling and not reach down to help. Most recently she had mentioned that S's bday party was pricier than she thought it was going to be and that she got caught up in the hype of planning it. I asked her how much it was to get the place she chose and quickly sent her the money for it....even paid for the cake. I thought that through being present, available, helpful....even through all of our hard times, she would learn to see me differently - she would see a better man worth being with. I was very, very wrong. I am still seemingly the "blame bin" for her, she still assumes the worst about my intentions and actions. I should have listened to the collective wisdom and experience here....but I thought I knew better. I thought that providing access to a new, improved me would move the tide. Nope.
I am asking for help and guidance. I'll say that again to make it clear - I am asking for help and guidance .
What do I do now?
How do I act? How do I interact?
What do I do when she asks for pictures and updates?
What do I do when she SEND pictures? Should I ask her not to?
I DON'T KNOW WHAT ACTIONS ARE ASSOCIATED WITH LETTING GO OR DROPPING THE ROPE! I don't know what to do or how to be. I have been so caught up in trying to get her to see who I am becoming I don't know how to do steel my heart and be OK with letting her have negative feelings about me. I need help.
All of last night I thought through what to tell her. Like I would write some grandiose email or letter telling her I am done...checking out...that I do not want to hear from her and she won't hear from me if it is not necessary. And then saying I know you will think it's me trying to "punish" but it is really me trying to get on with my life and accept my circumstances. I am guessing that is too much. Do I just saying nothing and vanish? Do a 180 on all of the kind things I have been trying to do for so long? I know she will say "See!! It was all an act! This is who you really are!".
I don't know what to do or how to be. I have been so caught up in trying to get her to see who I am becoming I don't know how to do steel my heart and be OK with letting her have negative feelings about me. I need help.