Hi Mach1, Well, I don't know about not having the confusion and internal conflict. Maybe not the same kind of confusion and conflict but they are both there. As much as we all like to think we are our own person we do depend on a very few select few people in our lives. For me the number one was my wife. To watch the person I've known go away and be replaced by this alien is rather confusing. I will say when my W went into her depression around 7 years ago, I lost a big part of myself. I had to take over so much of the day to day and still go out and make a living and my world became smaller for sure.
MLC is depression
Don't underestimate the confusion inside of the MLCers head..
Have you done any reading on Co-Dependency ???
You aren't responsible for her happiness, any more than she is responsible for your happiness....
And that is a LOT of pressure to place on another person....
Do YOU want that responsibility for her ???
Is that what a marriage looks like to you ??
Your partner being responsible for your happiness/emotional self worth ???
Originally Posted By: Matt165
Then, when she was finally out of that she started down the MLC road! Of course not knowing what was going on, I tried all the wrongs ways to get through to her and never was able to re-focus on myself. One of the things I not only want but NEED to do is find ME again. Not the husband/father me but the all around me that somehow got lost in all this mess. I've been nothing but husband/father for so dang long and with W in MLC I still need to be caregiver #1 for my girls. I had always thought that when the kids were done HS and off to college, W and I could finally be there for each other. Do the things we put off because of needing money for kids school and such. Travel, just be there for each other and not have to be a parent first and foremost. Now that seems less likely than ever.
We have ALL tried the wrong things at first....
You sure that you are done trying them ????
Originally Posted By: Matt165
I haven't stopped GALing, I just backed off for a bit so I can allow my W some time to help her grandmother get used to the new home she just this last Friday moved into. I've been having to pick up the kids from school and get them feed and such so she can go visit her GM which just doesn't leave time for getting out. This won't last for more than this week and I will be back to going and doing my thing next week.
Good
Originally Posted By: Matt165
As for personality/character...I have watched my MLC W try on diffferent personalities for more than a year! One of the things that she has said is she can't "find her joy" when she is with me. I believe this is because she knows that I know who she is better than anyone. She can't wear a mask with me around . She insisted on going alone to her co. X-mass party. Then I hear how everyone there thought she must have been drinking she was acting so "out of character" and this excited her. She so badly wants to change who she is, how she is seen by others. Before B-day she would talk about how she felt "invisible" to other people. How no one noticed her. She has always been shy but has worked hard to not be. She always found fault with herself and nothing I said or did seemed to help her low self esteem. These new personalities seem like a way for her to be noticed, even if for all the wrong reasons.
No
You USED to know her better than anyone....maybe
Or did you ???
Did you ever imagine that she could do this ??
Do you think that she is CHOOSING this ???
You, fighting against what she believes in now (right or wrong to the majority of the world), is exactly what she is trying to get away from....
You support her, but only if she does them in YOUR way ???
Originally Posted By: Matt165
These new personalities conflict with her character in so many ways.At least the character she had pre-MLC. She always put her kids first. Never believed in divorce, sacrificed "things" for what was best for the family. Now she says divorce isn't wrong, it's how you act after that makes it hard on the kids. That we all hurt our kids, they'll get over it. Personal happiness comes before responsibility to others. Work and friends come before home and family, etc. This change in character allows her to also change personality without the internal conflict.
Maybe...maybe not...
How are you sure that these are what was really inside of her ?
Maybe she had always just assumed, or adapted what everyone else thought she should believe in ???
That is what MLC is Matt...
They take everything out of the box. They play with it, try it on, and see how it fits, how it responds for them.
They have little that they actually own (internally), and everything is bright, shiny, and new to them.
Everything in their life, up to this point, has made them un-happy inside. Something is missing from their life, and nothing is held sacred anymore.
What has been the one constant for her ???
You....
That skin has to be shed before she can tell, or decide if it is you that is the problem.
Most MLCers refuse to look inward, because the problem cannot be with them self (part of the depression), so it HAS to be something else. You are the closest to her, so she hurts you the most.....
Originally Posted By: Matt165
If I had known more about MLC I would have seen it coming for sure. I really don't think I could have done a thing to stop it as every attempt I ever made to boost her self esteem and let her know how important and worthy she was ever worked. All I ever got was that I was the only person who saw her this way and since I was in love with her, my opinion didn't count.
No you wouldn't have, and no you couldn't have stopped it...
No, you cannot help it move along any faster, although you can prolong it....
Nothing you say or do will change anything with her, yet everything you say or do will play a part in this....
She didn't/doesn't need or want you to boost her self esteem...she is now, and has always wanted to do that on her own....
How much have you gotten in the way of that ???
Are you still ???
Part of her pushing you now, and the reason that she doesn't want your opinion, is that she was with you for years, and she doesn't feel any differently now (maybe even worse), so in her book, your opinion doesn't matter.
It is also YOUR answer, for her problems....
Not gonna happen...
How much of your support was criticism ???
Criticism is a form of control....
Are you controlling ???
I would say first things first....
Stop trying to diagnose her, and stop trying to "fix" her....
