Barrybran

[Barrybran]

Tonight wasn't pretty. I cleaned some parts of the house today and made sure to leave some for my wife. I wasn't too happy with where it was at but figured it would save some dramas. My wife got home and was angry because it looked like I hadn't done anything (her words). I told her whether I clean everything, nothing or do some things and leave some for her, she's not happy with me. I should have followed the roster she set out and STFU instead.

As she went to bed she wrote me a message:

"Im going to write this down instead of saying it because I cannot talk to you without getting angry.
I do not want to be in a house or relationship for that matter where I am constantly angry.
I don't deserve that. And like I was saying previously, we need distance. Not under each others noses.
Things like not cleaning or cleaning too much are stressing both of us.
I suggested the roster as a means of knowing what's expected of both of us. Some direction and boundaries in place.
These obviously fail.
I cannot live with you. I know the kids need us both, but not at the expense of each other's stress levels or emotions.
I hate you. I've said it several times and the more I'm around you, I'm questioning why I ever let it get to this point.
I resent you more each day. I cannot go over everything that happened to get it here. You know the problems.
I really do think it's best if you move out.
You can be free to clean as little or as much without me around. You can find your own happy medium.
You can buy things without having to worry about what affect it'll have on me. You'll be able to have privacy to do whatever you want to do."

My response was as follows:

"I felt the roster created a more work-like environment at home. I understand you were trying to make an effort and I will review it.

I have no intention of moving out at the present time. I understand that you don't want to live with me and I will work with you toward a mutually acceptable arrangement.

I understand that we have different opinions on the marriage right now. I will not be doing anything to jeopardise it any more than I already have."

There was more that followed and it followed the same vein. So, I stuffed this one up. I did go to the real estate today to find out what they had available and the person who looks after it won't be back until Monday. I've felt for a while now that different places would be best and would be a lot easier. I didn't sign up for easy though; I signed up for change (so far, no good). I need to think some more about the arrangements. The house I'm in is quite a task to look after on my own. In saying that, it's my home, it's a great place for the kids and there's a lot I still want to do with it. Also, my wife chose to separate and I feel that she should face the consequences that come with that choice, not me.

I know I need to go dim or even dark. I just need to shut up and stay out of her way completely. I know I need to just stick to the roster and keep the path smooth, even though the path is leading out the door right now. Once she does leave, I feel I need to go LRT for my own benefit. I should be able to do that without much or any contact with her as the kids will be at school or with the babysitter much of the time. The only time I'll need to see my wife is when she picks the kids up on her way home from work. It's all pretty raw though so I'll see how things go.