Hi everyone. It's been a while but I thought I'd jump on and let you know where things are at.
The situation hasn't changed really, but I think I have. He still is only rarely around, although he is asking about the children more. He still doesn't make them a priority to see when he has time off work, but is buying them things. He still won't tell me where he stays or who he is with. (Not that I ask anymore)
He still seems very conflicted. He still acts as if our house is still his home. He still refers to 'our' house, he still has his mail coming here. When I am here he sleeps in the spare room, but when I was away over Easter I noticed he slept in my (our old) bed. He has finally deleted me from FB. He reacts in strange ways to things too. My D5 had a fund raiser portrait day. I told him about it but he never came. I went and got what turned out to be awesome pictures of the kids and me. When I shared them online he got very angry. It turns out he has barely mentioned what's going on to his family (his brothers and sisters), he accused me of not inviting him to the photo. I didn't understand this - did he want a picture of us all together? After that he said he was stopping his money into the joint account, and that was it. That was 2 weeks ago and he didn't do it. He still hasn't arranged mediation or taken any of that any further either. (That I know of anyway)
He worked over Easter, and I took the children to visit my family. On Tuesday it was our sons 2nd birthday, and he was home, and did the whole dinner and cake as family. Since he hasn't explained anything to children about what's happening, they are very confused by this. Even tonight he told them he still lives here, and wanted them to be asleep before he left. He needs to give them more credit. They are far smarter than that.
I am much more detached now. I don't contact him unless it's about the kids. And then it's brief. If he talks to me I'm polite, etc but I don't attempt to even make small talk anymore. He occasionally tells me things about his work etc. I just end up wondering why he is telling me these things. I am trying up just get on with things really, make sure the kids and I are as ok as we can be financially, and I'm starting to get it together emotionally I think. I still have the 'what's wrong with me' moments, moments where I feel so scared that this is as good as it will get for me. But I'm getting better, I can picture a life without him in it.
I realised recently though that I am not done. I still love him and I know that if he came home and said 'I'm sorry, let's try', I would welcome it.
I basically trying to take each day, each interaction at a time. I'm trying to not have expectations (if I do now they are more likely negative anyway). I still feel like I have no idea what I'm doing really, no idea if things are moving in any sort of positive direction.
