Life's a Picnic

[bustingout]

Thank you Bright for your post :-) I have hope too coupled with very little expectations...

Well since my last post a lot has happened. My sister called saying my mom was in the hospital diagnosed with early stages of lung cancer. I left the next day to come stay with her for awhile. The doctors seem positive that it has been caught early and she has already started chemo. God willing she beats it. She is in good spirits overall.

So I will stay here probably for another week for now. Haven really planned it. Left work and we still have 6 weeks left before we break for summer.

H has been supportive - told me to stay as long as I want. I don't know how or why but we had some intense conversation in the past 36 hours. Started off bad bad bad-- bad timing- bad approach- bad attitude. I was exhausted, stressed with news of mum, mad at him for everything. Being a selfish pr1ck etc. so while in the greater scheme of things it wasn't a complete blow up of a convo - I said to him I want him to leave and not come back and he said no and I said he is sitting on the fence he won't come and he won't go. He ended up saying he is not interested in me ( ouch) and I called him on it - why come around why ask about me ? Etc. anyway - we finally agreed this was not a productive convo and agreed to speak the next day.

The next day convo was much more productive. I learned that he knows he handled things very badly. That he felt at the time he reached his breaking point. That he knows he did not do everything possible to help our M. He also has heard me. He knows that I have changed a lot. He says I speak well and eloquently. I thanked him. He said he knows he has to do a lot more for the kids and to be more present in their lives. We talked briefly about possibly moving in together as a unit in a year or so. The idea of husband and wife still not really an option I guess ( I didn't bring that up. We were talking about th kids and he brought up the husband and wife part... He mumbled it- I couldn't even paraphrase it - it was kind of confusing).

He told me that it bugs him when I try and find solutions (' you Always do that busting'). I found that very useful information.

I know OW is not completely out yet she is not as important as she once was. He told me he is here for me emotionally and mentally and even when he is being a jerk making selfish decisions he is here for me emotionally and mentally.

I also told him that I appreciated him telling me all of this. I told him I understood. I said I could see from my point of view a lot of confusion - that I can tell he shows his disinterest in me by making sure he doesn't initiate conversation or ask about my life - but then he does whn he comes to visit but will also make a point of being busy every single night with his friends while visiting so no chance to visit with me after the kids sleep. But then he says things like ' we'll get together with so and so and BBQ' .

Anyway- it's confusing. And I feel disheartened at times and ok at times.

Is ironic. He is planning the weeknd with my friends and I am not there. Something I have wanted for so long- a normal weekend with friends, H etc. but even if I were there now it probably wouldn't be normal because h would avoid us because of me.

We had a conversation about the summer- I have a work training course and. I was going to leave the kids with my mom- not possible now- so I told him I need him to be with them while at my moms and he said 'yeah maybe I will take them to Germany' and I said no. What crap are you saying? What point are you trying to make? The kids need to visit with their grandma. Yes or no are you going to be there? He finally said yes of course. I said why are you so complicated why is it so difficult for you to have a normal conversation? Ugh I was mad. It doesn't make any sense! I am going on my trip early June and we are all going to Germany in July to visit his family. Why the hell would he say he will take the kids from my mom in early June to Germany while I am away? Just to be difficult ??

Anyway- it's resolved. I am just tired of it all.

Much love to you