new here. is DB even worth it?

[25yearsmlc]

Definitely feel like I've had a setback today. I replied to his reply (in which he shared an article he read and strategies he is using with our D), thanking him for it, and praising him-- he is spending more QT with d, she is responding to him so well (she would never let him put her to bed before; now he does it 3x a week. And even if I am there, she is much more willing to be with H than before.)

So where is the setback? Praising him wasn't wrong; it was good and right. Did you add in the parts about "whereas before"??? That's not needed, just praise him without comparisons to other times...

So, he didn't reply to that but instead I got a reply to an earlier message asking him about plans for the summer. He (very politely) told me his tentative vacation plans with his family and (no longer my) friends, and requested another meeting with the mediator for next week.

who said these folks are no longer your friends? Oh...YOU said that. So, I assume YOU have no contact with them and thus, they could also assume you cut them off? I mean, you can't have it both ways, where you get to mind read (always negatively, I might add) and no one else is allowed to assume anything negative about you...

hmm, do you see how that sets them up for failure, and allows you to "Do" nothing, by pretending you have been rejected already?

Victimhood allows us to be complacent but with an excuse...but it IS an excuse, and it's often also a lie we tell ourselves -so we can let ourselves off the hook and just not try.

He has opened up to me recently-- complimented me, asked for advice re: our D, shared pictures and little stories about her with me.

These^^ are called positives. Really you MUST stop the "stinking thinking"....good grief!


But shows zero interest in me personally. He is committed to being a friendly co-parent, but wants nothing to do with me otherwise. I am feeling like such a fool for holding out any hope that he will reconsider.

STOP the mind reading...OMG it's really not constructive at all. And you are probably projecting a lot of this negativity to him...

He is done.

He is "I'm relieved she is not so angry and upset anymore because now I don't have to feel so guilty all the time. And I don't have to feel bad at all about letting her know about plans with her former family and friends that she is no longer a part of, because she's ok with it now!"

He is "great for her and our D that she is changing but there is not a chance I want her as my W ever again. There is someone else way better than her out there for me."


I THOUGHT he had SAID these ^^ things to you but you are making it up...OMG stop this now. HOW does this attitude help you?

Do you feel "Safer" by predicting failure? I mean, is that the reason you do this? It must serve you in some way, I guess, b/c you sure do it A LOT....but is it really helping you at all, or are you simply used to it? I think you do a lot of flawed analysis.


Mind-reading, I know. I KNOW. But I think I am misinterpreting his friendliness for ambivalence. But his actions (zero interest in me personally, moving forward with mediation) indicate he has decided that he is done.

I won't even comment on this^^ stuff anymore...like you said, you are mind reading and for some reason you alone might know, you do it all with negatives attached...

Maybe I am having trouble detaching because I don't have closure. I want him to hold himself accountable for his role. I know he won't.


You're not detaching, by CHOICE, and you need to stop pretending you have none. Because you DO have choice here. You are not powerless.

I feel like i am in mourning again, after feeling so much stronger for the last couple of months. I just feel like breaking down and sobbing, which i haven't felt in a while.

Healing is not a linear process.

You'll backslide and have some bad days and then you'll get past them, again.

You'll pick yourself up, dust yourself off and take a step forward, again...


The energy to keep this up is taking a toll on me, and if there is no chance of payoff... back to my beginning-- is it worth it?? Why am I bothering?


You are asking us questions (perhaps rhetorically) that only YOU have the answers to. We won't judge you if you want to quit. DBing is about becoming the best YOU that you can be...is that a worthy goal for you?

But I'll tell you right now, that you DO have a choice here. When I realized I was CHOOSING to stay married, it felt empowering. Realize this....


Shortly after he left he said he had to get to know the "new" me. How does that happen if I detach?

Detaching does not mean you stop caring or interacting at all. It means you are not attached to the results of his actions.

How to detach?

First, Stop making your posts all about HIM, and what HE says or what you think he means or thinks/feels.
Start making your posts about YOU and GAL and the steps you are taking to improve your life and some 180s....what are those?

And being a woman only a fool would leave means HE will want to get to know you and be around you (Unless this is all an act, which he'll see thru)

But then, when I try to actually show a part of myself (like sending a friendly email with a little humor in it), he won't even respond.


THAT^^ is pure 100% pursuit WITH expectations attached! Stop that. Focus on YOU. Only you.

6 months in, and I'm still stuck here.

Get yourself Unstuck. We can't do it for you. But we're all rooting for you.