I think I belong here #3

[praying_in_GA]

Thank you all for the posts.

Well, he ended up not leaving yesterday. It made me very angry since my oldest cried herself to sleep Monday night. We told the kids he was moving out on Tuesday. My oldest took it so hard.
He came home Tuesday and honestly, my heart was racing the minute he walked in the door. I had the cable company replace the modem and router (the others weren't working) so the internet password was different. He came downstairs asking about the password. I told him I had them changed out. He said "Are you going to give me the new password or do I have to live somewhere else?" I asked him wasn't he going to live somewhere else tonight? He said "Today, Friday, I haven't decided yet." I told him he needed to let the kids know before he left. He said he already did last night and he would call them before bed if he left tonight.

So, we leave to go to gymnastics. When we get home his car is gone. D8 started crying saying "Dad left..." I told her all of the encouraging things I have been saying...we love you, he will always be your dad, I love you, we will always be together....I told the kids they could play outside a bit before dinner. Well, D8 goes to the drawing of the family on the board and starts erasing H. It broke my heart. I told her to stop, to just leave it alone and we would take care of that later. After dinner, D8 writes H a note (she loves drawing pics and writing us notes): "Dad was the best dad ever! I miss dad very much. I love and miss him so much either way he'll still always be my dad. Love, K." I told the kids to get ready and we would go get ice cream. When we got back H still wasn't home (all of his things were still in the house though). D8 says "I guess he didn't just go out with his friends." OMG, this man is breaking my daughters heart and it is really starting to make me angry.

So, he comes home and asks how K is doing. I tell him the truth about her crying and her notes and her erasing. He says "ahh, really?" and goes to check on them. He says he is going to see how the next two days go before he moves. I told him I wouldn't be home those two days.

I told him a male friend wanted to take me on a belated birthday dinner to make up for my crappy birthday. He got all excited and said "So, we are dating other people now?" I asked him wasn't he already and he said yea, he guessed but now I am and that's good!! He said I need someone to talk to. He said moving out will help him gain perspective on his life and the situation. My text messages kept going off so he said "Good! Now I can turn mine off silent!"

I found out today that his 21 year old friend broke up with her boyfriend. He says they still aren't dating.

He came home from school and said he is going to talk to a lawyer soon. He asked me to please just sign the papers when he gets them. He confirmed that she has broken up with him but he doesn't call them dating yet. He said he doesn't feel right being married to me knowing he doesn't want this anymore. He said if things change and we get back together later then we can remarry. He said he should have the money for a divorce this summer so he will plan on filing then.

I said something about him being my best friend for 14 years. We had the type of relationship where when someone says "don't tell anyone but..." I would always talk to my husband. He said yea, he remembers and he wants that again but he feels like our marriage is in the way.

After his shower we were talking about this weekend and I asked him where he saw his future. He said Navy, going back to school for nurse anesthetist, making money to support the kids and I while finding his happiness. He said he saw me remarried and happy with the man who was meant for me and gave me everything I deserved. He said that he hasn't been the husband he should have been. Yea, he has been there and he has taken care of the kids but that I deserve so much more... Love, intimacy, everything I want from a marriage and he did too. He said that even when I mentioned that I wanted more hugs or kisses and he obliged that they were forced and he has been checked out for a while. He said I deserve better and he deserves a chance to find the woman that will make him act that way for real. He said our house and our marriage feels safe and comfortable. He said we both deserve better. That we both deserve to be happier than we are. I told him shouldn't I make that decision for me? He looked up and for the first time looked at me and said "Yes...and I'm sorry." That is the first time he has ever said sorry.

He told me he is scared of what comes next. He isn't comfortable with his future. He said he has periods of being excited about changes and periods of being totally scared of what lies ahead.

Anyway, that is a ton of reading and I am done. I am broken and unable to even contemplate my future. I have to come to terms with this being the end and it still hurts so darn bad. I have to drop the rope and let him go. If he changes his mind he will return and there isn't a thing I can do about it. I hate myself for loving him so much. There is something in him that he has to do. He has this need that he is searching to fill and he won't take no or stop for answer.