buz 28: finally feeling worthy... a new beginning

[makingmagic]

(not talking about him)... just recognition: In working with him today, we battled a bit about a real estate transaction that might take place that will change the way & location of where we conduct business. During this process, I realized that my Xbf is a "salesman"... I have never looked at him quite like this before. He uses words like "hook and bait", tactics, tell them what they wanna hear, do this X...to buy time, etc. I just NEVER thought he might use this stuff on me... NOT saying he is... but, not going to bury my head now either.

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MY EPIPHANY:

Today, a friend (who is going through it too) came over and said something that hit me ..... something to do with fixing himself first, not paying attention to HER reactions. (Except he doesn't know or want to DB). THIS JUMPED at me.

Tied this into my display of truth on Saturday, to which he merely takes for granted and rightfully believes that I will still be here, at his request. In fact, probably to the point of thinking I was increasing desperation and not taking me seriously.... and why should he?

This began my "3 day ~ NO coffee" approach, along with reading about Pearlharbr. I was doing it, but not fully understanding why or what yet... just knew that I should do it.

NOW TODAY... I GET IT!!! I truly get it... I am disappointed in myself for allowing it to actually get this far... I have SELF-VALUE...TODAY!! and actually if he thinks that I am not of FULL VALUE, then he is really not worth it either. If I don't believe in myself then why would anyone else. Once I start walking the full walk (beginning more so today), and believing fully in myself...this will be like an aura over me/ a new way of living... and people will believe me too. Because, it is my authentic truth. IF I don't believe I am worth it, no one else will ... And ... it will show.... either way.!!!

I hope I was able to express myself and for it to be known. I AM WORTHY!! I am better than this.

I hope that there will be no mistakes or slip ups because I believe who I am ... NOW.

THE BEST PART: I came to these answers BY MYSELF!!

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Tonight... grabbed a case of beer, enjoying one while heating up dinner for DD and I... will watch TV with her soon. Looking forward to it.

Books I am reading:

~ What really works with Men - Justin Sterling

Next:

~ Single Survivor ...... has anyone read this? I am interested now/finally in accepting my "singleness" (not to date, but because of the other benefits/growth it offers)... because I want to embrace being single & of single mind (trusting my own judgement & preparing myself to be responsible for it ~~~ new behaviour that I MUST embrace).

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When I re-read what I just wrote.... it all "SOUNDS" good. I am scared but really really think I understand... I hope I don't slip up... I want to be held accountable.

XX, MM