Easter weekend went great, I was doing very well. Even with everything that happened re running into W and OM. My kids went with my W to her families, and then they were to come back the next day. We had agreed on a meeting time. The next day, W asked me to do some mutual banking, and I replied and said I may be later that evening.
Long story short, we had a miscommunication. I thought she had okayed it, and she vehemently felt she had not. End result, I was 2 hours away when she thought I would be meeting her at the house. This led to a huge argument with lots of accusations that I was on a power trip etc. There was some name calling on both ends. Not positive. I picked the children up the next day, after convincing her that I should be allowed to say goodnight to the kids.
It felt like something had switched with her to react the way she did. And the next day, I found out she had a big discussion with her S and BIL. Initially when all this went down, I was speaking to my BIL a lot, because we are close, and my SIL not too much.
Unfortunately, it was enough, and I assume from what my W said that they said I was portraying her in a negative fashion. Obviously this is all perspective. I was venting to my BIL. Unfortunately, even though I stopped , the damage may be done. I don't begrudge anyone for saying anything, but it sure created a sh@tstorm between the two of us.
There is so much anger and resentment from her, I not sure if I should be working to resolve that. I think space will help with that, and I'm trying to get more for me. Alas , I'm not sure it helps. She seems to get angry with everything. And it is always my fault.
I can't control the way she feels, I can just try to make myself the best man possible. I'm not sure if I should discuss some of the previous issues that she feels we disagree on with her at this point. If I disagree with her, she doesn't feel validated. I have just listened and acknowledged where I have made mistakes. My culpability is real.
Ironically I'm happy she is talking to her sister. She questions me for being nice, and gets confused if I'm ever upset. I feel like I've been really strong and I am trying to be consistent. The message that she has lost me is real though. I'm sure she realizes that. I don't think that has changed from my end. I just keep watching.
Feeling a bit lost today. It will get better......it must!
Think I may have made a mistake. In an effort to try and reduce some of the resentment and anger that is really preventing any communication from occurring regarding the kids, I suggested we meet to clear the air a bit.
We went for dinner, and just spoke about the issues, the recent miscommunication, and the kids schedule, as well as how to communicate directly with each other in the future. I listened and validated with my "starsky spew jacket" when she brought up things from the past. But I did not mention the OM or discuss our R in any way going forward. We left with the next few days schedule layed out.
So here's where I think maybe I have given the wrong impression. I got a text later that night saying "thanks for being so kind and open". I didn't respond, and then this AM I had another text suggesting we meet like that a few times a month to "regroup". I responded a few hours later with "yeah, probably not a bad idea". Two seconds later my W was on the phone, asking how my AM was and asking about my IC appt and how it went. It caught me by surprise.
I don't think though I should read anythjng into it except it is her cake eating wanting to have a friendship with me, which is easier if we are civil. I was brief and didn't say much, but I'm worried I shouldn't have even met with her.
Nothing had changed with respect to her actions in any way. It was just strange
Did I screw up by meeting with her? My IC is telling me it's over, but I'm not phased by that at this time. If I listened to everyone else I would be in the throws of a full blown D at this time . She is encouraging me to work on myself which is good.
Did I backslide?
Anyways, detach, watch, wait and respond appropriately and hopefully correctly
I think the meeting was fine. As you describe it, it was about logistics and validation. No harm there. (I only wish I had the opportunity to validate.)
Scheduling regular meetings, keeping communication open -- no harm there.
About her jumping on the phone, and you afraid of it turning into friendship... Ya, I see your concern, but we have no idea what that is, so let's not mind read or make anything of it. We don't even know if she's going to make a habit of it. So keep the calls short and on point. You had previously set your boundary of "no playing family" and I don't see that any of this violates that, so I think you're fine.
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Did I screw up by meeting with her?
I don't see any harm in communications if you stick to the rules, keep the topic on parenting and hold your boundaries.
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My IC is telling me it's over, but I'm not phased by that at this time. If I listened to everyone else I would be in the throws of a full blown D at this time . She is encouraging me to work on myself which is good.
I think the meeting was fine. As you describe it, it was about logistics and validation. No harm there. (I only wish I had the opportunity to validate.)
Scheduling regular meetings, keeping communication open -- no harm there.
About her jumping on the phone, and you afraid of it turning into friendship... Ya, I see your concern, but we have no idea what that is, so let's not mind read or make anything of it. We don't even know if she's going to make a habit of it. So keep the calls short and on point. You had previously set your boundary of "no playing family" and I don't see that any of this violates that, so I think you're fine.
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Did I screw up by meeting with her?
I don't see any harm in communications if you stick to the rules, keep the topic on parenting and hold your boundaries.
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My IC is telling me it's over, but I'm not phased by that at this time. If I listened to everyone else I would be in the throws of a full blown D at this time . She is encouraging me to work on myself which is good.
You have this completely mastered.
Carry on.
Wisdom, all that up there. ^^^ Wise teacher; wise student.
Devaste, our situations seem to be pretty similar. Good call on the dinner meeting to discuss logistics. You've actually made me consider softening my stance (I've essentially ignored W) and possibly suggesting a similar conversation with my W.
Thanks for the responses everyone. Sometimes you just feel like you are wavering in the direction you chose to go.
Zew:Thanks for the support. It's such a tough place to maintain boundaries when you are financially dependent on each other (I'm talking about the lawyer not recommending any financial lifestyle changes). It's hard to resist enforcing changes, but I realize that would be controlling and against L advice.
Not sure if anything is mastered yet, as always it's a work in progress. And you are so right, mind reading does me no good. I really need to stop doing that.
Starksky: Nice to see you think I'm on the right track right now. Thanks, and that spew jacket comes in handy more than you know.
Tarheel: Couldnt agree with you more. Ironically, I was reading your stitch, and debated about adopting a colder stance towards my W. So hard to know what to do, because half the time detachment feels opposite of what we should do. I think your doing great with the set up and plan your following. As long as you don't go back on any boundaries, your probably ok. That's what would worry me though
My stitch has got to the point where that miscommunication set off a huge cascade and prevented any civil communication. That's why I stepped in and suggested we meet. Make sure your goals are tied to you and not seeking to restore friendship with your W
Happy DBing everyone. Beautiful day in the part of the world I am
I have been reading through your posts, today's as well. The fact that your IC is not as "pro-marriage" as you are, convinces me that you would gain much needed advice from a Divorce Busting Coach. Employing the LRT with the skilled guidance of a coach could make all the difference in it's outcome. Your coach would give you the confidence that you seek and answers to many of your doubts. Call me to discuss our coaching program. 303-444-7004
Roberta, Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004 Roberta@divorcebusting.com
I appreciate your insight. In one of my early posts I mentioned I do have a DB coach. It is sometimes difficult to set up appointments etc. But I do have a plan and am following it.
I think my IC is just trying to ensure that I am focused on myself, because that is all I can control.
Nothing seems to be changing at any pace. I am maintaining my boundaries, and she is now taking the kids a few nights a week. This is actually serving two purposes. It gives me a chance to GAL. Went out this Friday night and had a great time in the city. Almost too good I'm of course guessing a bit, which I know is not good, However, I feel the other benefit is it creates a bit of a reality for what she will have to deal with going forward, as a single parent. Of course I have no idea if she has or hasn't thought about anything of the future like I have. I would only be guessing and mind reading, which I know is unproductive
Last night She asked if the nanny could pick up the kids from her house and bring them to our house in the AM. She didn't understand how she could get three kids ready for school, and then get herself to work, and have "a good day". Obviously, part of the ongoing stich problems revolve around her inability to feel good about her interactions as a mother. To me, of course, this seems like reality of the situation.
I acquiesced, this time, as it was the only way I could get the evening to GAL. However, I did mention that it was a one time thing that could not occur on an ongoing basis. Perhaps a mistake on my part. It's quite a catch 22 for me.
I haven't asked about OM or even snooped for awhile now. It feels good to be detached as much as I am. The challenge for me now is to project the financial reality that will also occur without appearing to, or being controlling.
I wonder if me trying to project the finances that way is trying to be controlling or if it is a good move?
I just want this separation to be a model of what D will be like. Overall, I am direct, not passive aggressive, and am continuing to detach. This GAL with cooking classes and seeing friends is great. I do miss my kids incredibly on the nights they are at her place. And that breaks my heart
I continue with a goal. And as always, I adjust accordingly
I'm of course guessing a bit, which I know is not good, However, I feel the other benefit is it creates a bit of a reality for what she will have to deal with going forward, as a single parent. Of course I have no idea if she has or hasn't thought about anything of the future like I have. I would only be guessing and mind reading, which I know is unproductive