Sandi - just saw your post. I meant from a spiritual sense. And I do often wonder if I am being punished by God for not valuing the gift I was given in the manner I should have.
XW said in our counseling session where she dropped the OM bomb that she had forgiven me....and herself (which she said was hard) but she never said what she forgave EITHER of us for. I would really like to know what she forgave herself for because she has never indicated to me that she did anything wrong other than "allow" me to be the way I was. With regard to that letter -- I think it did touch her. And then her dad told her that I was saying all of that because I wanted to save the M so I wouldn't have to pay alimony and child support....seriously....he told her that. And I know that she still grapples with whether or not that is true.
As foolish as it might sound, to answer your last question, I think I meant happiness from God again. I would WANT that happiness to be my family back together again - but right now I would settle for just being able to not care about her anymore and enjoy life once again. Part of me wants to climb to a mountain top and scream to the sky God! I have learned my lesson! Please help me fixed what is broken! Again, embarrassing - but I am trying to be a transparent as I can.
