own buz 27: finances, travel, mediation : STFU !

[makingmagic]

WOW.. thanks for all the replies!!

Bond:
"Bond.. Hmm. I guess I don't know "officially" that his reason for irritability was me. However, he did clarify that I wasn't doing things the way he wanted... "

Then clarify and ask questions rather than just taking it.

>>>>> He was irritable before I got there... Getting prepared for client appointments, rushing. I know when he is irritable.

"I instead was reading... and that bugged him. He said my reading wasn't beneficial to him."

He actually said those exact words to you? Regardless of that, it doesn't mean that you were the source of him being irritated. You could just as well have told him that you don't appreciate him talking to you that way and then left.

>>>>>> Yes, he said those exact words.

"The thing is, is that I know he is trying to keep connections that hook me. So, maybe I will have a coffee and walk away. I dunno.. I am still vulnerable to be hooked."

Still mindreading this action since Day 1.

>>>>> Not mindreading... He has used those exact words to me. He also says that he is possibly trying to cake eat too.

"I like the pearlharbr story, it worked for her. Mosts importantly with self respect. It is an amazing story & I keep re-reading the good parts. The parts that made her xbf jealous & "wonder" are inspiring.."

You still don't get it. You have to understand the WHOLE thing rather than just the parts you agree with. That's why it worked for her because she was able to learn from the good AND the bad parts.

>>>>>> Don't assume that I don't get it. Yes, I am learning.
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Gabby:

You love to use the word "bait ". He's not baiting you. Your choosing to see it as bait and get hooked. It's been going on for so long, there's nobody to blame but you. You buy into it...... You give up your " self-value". The second he starts an R talk. It's not his fault, he is not baiting you. You chose to take what you want from these " talks".

>>>>>>> I love to use the word bait (as it was given to me by Bond/Tallula.... I KNOW it is NOT him that baits me...its ME!! Yes, I get hooked. I hook myself. However, I do know that he wants to remain "connected" for his own safety net...he says so!

And what bond said up there^^^^^. Your not taking what you should be taking from pearl harbors story. The parts where her ex was jealous or making him wonder are completely not the point. The point you should be getting is way past the part where you say she used " tactics" . Your should really be focusing on the part where she truly dropped the rope and respected herself and held her boundaries.

>>>>>>>>>>> Yep. I agree!!! I think I came to realize this part overnight!! (today I have a different view).

If her ex never came back, who he as a true possibility for her and for you, she at least would have changed for the better and had healthier relationships going forward.

Your posts still read of every detailed interaction with him, how HE is reacting, what HE is doing. Him him him.

Who cares.

>>>>>>>>>>>> EXACTLY!!!! I need to focus more on me. Make my world about me & daughter. I NEED to take care of me... regardless of how it affects him. I see this TODAY!!!

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KenF:

so you're at "work" reading a relationship book, then got snarky when he called you out on it, and what response did you expect?

from everything you've described about him and his work ethics and his attitude towards work, he acted exactly how i would have expected him to, and i dont even know the guy.

if my boss or business partner caught me goofing off reading a relationship book, while i wasnt doing what they asked/wanted me to do, i think they have the right to get upset.

>>>>>>>>> this is par for the course in the car industry... Many employees sit around reading the newspaper. He was annoyed that I chose to read instead of sitting with him, the day before. I am his PARTNER, not employee. I do MY job at a home office. When I arrive at the LOT, I feel justified to read, chat on phone, pick my nose, OR putter around on our vehicles (like he does). He is NOT my boss.

and if i then made some snide remark about it, then absolutely they have right to be cranky, I would have deserved it and asked for it.

>>>>>>>>>>> I didn't make a snide remark...???

But you left out all those important details from your original post: the fact YOU CAUSED his irritability.

>>>>>>>>>>> His irritability comes from before I even got there.

was your intention to get sympathy from us? or try to prove you're a martyr? or that he's some irrational person?

>>>>>>>>>>>> Neither

from my perspective you caused it by your choice of actions, you added to it by your response, and you acted irresponsibly by not doing your job and not expecting his exact response and then complaining to us about him.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Not the case. I am his equal 50/50 partner. I do my job. However, I can see your point if you believed I wasn't doing my job and Im sure he feels this way at times. I will keep this in mind.
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Job:

There will be times that he'll test you and see where your head is at and then there will be times when he's just being himself. For some unknown reason, you now perceive everything he does as baiting you. Asking you if you want a coffee or going out for a drink is not baiting you. It's just asking you out. Now, if he begins to get nosey about your dating, then that's another story. That's your business and if you choose not to tell him what you are doing, then don't...but you are under no obligation to live like a nun for the rest of your life.

>>>>>>>> Not sure if he is baiting with intent or not (not my point/or care). I have realized that I ALLOW it to affect me. I bait me. I have realized that I respond to it too. Yes, he questions if I am dating or not. Not sure which answer to give him on this. I am not dating.


If you aren't comfortable w/relationship talks, then tell him that you aren't going to discuss it and walk away or change the subject...but at some point relationship talks may have to happen. You do tend to pick and choose from the conversations what you want to acknowledge and hear. I might be interpreting your postings incorrectly on this, but that's how it comes across. The best thing to do is listen and replay the entire conversation, not just certain parts of it.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>> I believed that by not having the R talks he would bring up, meant that I wasn't open for discussion & possibility of reconciliation. These talks were happening too much, it was very difficult to replay the entire convo. Too much & circular. He likes knowing that I haven't moved on. He says its what brought him back into reconsideration for a possible reconciliation. For now, for my sanity... I think I shouldn't listen to his "talk" anymore. It baits/hooks me. "it" does. It keeps me "there" and he knows it. It prevents me from taking care of myself. (just realized THIS overnight)

As for Pearl, when she worked on herself and came to realize that no matter what happens she would be okay, that's when things began to change for her. Dropping the rope, accepting the situation and becoming all you can be are the keys. Learning to respect yourself first and then looking at the relationship for what it was and is now is also part of it.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> I agree. and I want to be doing this much for myself now too.

It didn't take long for the new and improved you that you carried away from your retreat to go by the wayside. Magic, you have to be determined to work on you and you alone. Dig deep for that self respect and if you respect yourself and set your boundaries, then others will learn to respect you for the intelligent person that you are.

>>>>>>>>>>>>> Its not by the wayside completely... I think last night got me back on track... actually better on track as now I see the importance of taking care of my and my heart/head first.

As for your SO, keep your conversations to work and don't engage in relationship talks right now. Your focus has to be on the financials and on you and your daughter. If your SO truly wanted things to change, he would have been doing the work by now. I don't see any of that in your postings. He's all talk and nothing more.

Let's try to keep the focus on you and try to break the habit of blow by blow of the activities/interactions you have w/him. The sooner you let him go and think of him as just a co-worker, the better.

>>>>>>>>>>>>AGREE !!! I am strong when not around him. When I get with him, I lose my back bone. I need to take care of me, therefore I might avoid him for a little bit. To gain my balance. I still need to work with him, but will completely drop all interaction that does not pertain to business, taxes, and our financial agreement. Its been too confusing otherwise. I have allowed HIS confusion to suck me in. NO MORE! Not healthy for meeeeeeeeee !!

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Today, I have a ton of business, personal & DD taxes to review. I have not paid attention to the date. I need to focus on that, with a bit of me mixed in there. NOT HIM (anywhere).

I value myself because I am worth it!