She left - 3

[gogofo]

Help me out. I was searching to find your writings about her ?EA/PA. Can you point to it?

It is probably scattered so I will rewrite it.

At BD she said that we had drifted apart and she was done. She had been talking to someone she had known for a while (I assume a coworker) and said that she wondered what it would be like to date someone who cared about what she is interested in.

I think they had started talking about her work, doctoral program, etc. and she felt paid attention to and important. I was in a fog of extreme overwork during this time.

I had snooped on facebook and saw some text messages with another friend that I would say also bordered on an EA, not sexualized but definitely supportive of her. It was also probably secretive as he is married, they have known each other longer than I have known her, but I would assume his W would not approve of their messaging. She was not getting much support from her family and felt betrayed by some of her friends. I think he was one of the only people to provide support, but I think there could also be some attraction there too (she is beautiful).

I think his W could be one source of the book with nasty comments.

I have no evidence or suspicion of a PA, but do not know for sure. The only evidence I have is the book which could be interpreted as evidence pointing to a PA or not pointing to a PA. I assume it was a woman who wrote it and would figure that if they thought my W was in a PA they would have called her a "sl*t" not a "c*nt".

In my heart I think she was receiving emotional support from one or multiple males during the end of us and after BD. I don't feel she would get to a sexualized EA or to a PA but I want to prepare myself by reading about it just to be sure. Don't want to be caught off guard.

Also, in reading I noticed a lot of anger about her "rewriting history" and it seems your anger has cooled now.

Her version of the events in the past are just as valid to her as yours are to you. (she doesn't seem to be mentally ill) The truth is probably somewhere in the middle but we all have our perspective.

Really think about that, you are just as sure you're right as she is that she's right. Have you gotten past that now?

I have, quite some time ago. What I know that is important is how she felt, not the details. The details can change in recollecting what happened, but the emotions will still be there. One of the best pieces of advice I received was from my mom who in her nursing sensitivity training was taught when dealing with patients in difficult situations:

"You do not have to agree with why they are upset. What you need to do is understand their emotions. Their feelings are real and justified to their interpretation of the situation, whether you agree with them or not."

After processing this when the W would unload on me I would separate her "words" from her feelings. I try to understand how she felt in these situations and where I had contributed to it.

I used to argue with her about details of situations and now understand that I need to listen to how she felt about the situation, not pick it over for incorrect details (from my point of view). It shouldn't matter what day something happened, or who was there, or what color something was; what matters is how she was feeling in the situation.

This has been one of my bigger 180s, understanding her feelings and emotions.