Long time no see, Mach....I am grateful as always for your post and advice. Truly. I think I am exiting the anger stage sort of and entering general sadness -- I guess that is part of the process as well. The hatred that I had two weeks ago has kind of given way to a heavy, heavy feeling of loss....feelings of envy directed towards XW and OM....and an awkward call (divine, maybe?) to continue to do the right things and be kind and respectful to my EX - even though it is difficult to do so at times. I think the anger and hatred is passing.....it may be back, probably will be....but it is subsiding for now.
To carry on the rocking chair metaphor, I think over the last SEVERAL months I grew OK with the fact that my rocking chair was stolen. Seeing someone else sitting in it now, playing with my son -- that is a tough one.
LIS -- So many thank-yous for sharing pieces of your story. Your last few posts have been very helpful to me and I am grateful for them and have read and reread them a few times. The sad truth is I really don't know what makes me happy anymore. I was trying to explain to a friend a few weeks ago that it seems like ever since BD the color was sucked out of my world in a sense and things just look kind of dull or grey. Without knowing it I think I pegged a lot of happiness on being married and being a father and never thought that those things would be altered. I will make an effort to try and focus on the things that I do have and not the things that I have lost. I know that I have become a much, much better dad in this process....that is undeniable. My bond with my little guy is amazing and we might be the favorite person in each other's lives. Even though I do not have the time with him that I had dreamed of, I am glad for what I do have - even if our goodbyes are always hard. I also no that on my own I have become a better husband and have worked hard to improve my relationship and communication skills. I have realized my old selfishnesses and other bad behaviors and work to correct them....I have made progress. I WISH my XW saw and valued any of this or better yet sought to reclaim any of it - but that seems not to be in the realm of "things" right now. But I am content to say I am a better man.
Furthermore, and I have not said this on the board before, I learn and very, very valuable lesson: humility. I have been humbled beyond belief. The argument that lead up to XW wanting divorce had me say "If I am making your life worse instead of better then leave!".....openly daring her to do so because I knew....KNEW that she wouldn't do it. Well, she took me up on it and never looked back. No humility then....just an undying drive to be right and validated. Seriously - I basically dared her to leave. I wish I could go back in time and kick my own a$$. So anyway, yeah, I have been humbled. I never knew I was so prideful or filled with hubris until all of this happened and that is probably what resulted in my taking so many things for granted and not appreciating the things that I had when my M and my S. I thought that they would be there forever....I got lazy....unappreciative.....and ultimate lost site of what mattered. It took losing it to really understand the value. Story as old as the hills, and I wrote my page in it.
I woke up this morning at around 2:30 or so. My mind is alway vulnerable when I first wake up because my defenses are dropped. My head went right to my situation right now and I literally asked God out loud for help with peace and acceptance....even asked if he was THERE in the first place. As it relates to learning humility above, I also asked God to forgive me for not truly appreciating the gift he had given me in a wife and a son when I had it. There is a spot I go to in my room sometimes when am feeling low or pray or both (as was the case at 2:30 AM). Again, I was presented with the notion to continue to choose love and kindness for XW, not in pursuit - but because it is the right this for all of us right now. And maybe it was the posts and words of others but I also felt I was being told to keep faith and not to expect for things to unfold/happen on MY schedule - but on His....and that there is still work to be done on/for my XW. Whatever that means. It gave me enough peace to get back to sleep for awhile. I'll say again, I never know if it is something divine giving me those messages or my own head.
I rarely ask for a poster's input (maybe once before) but I still have some many questions about your last post, 25. Like what does "goodness" from me look like from the perspective of XW? I don't know....there's other stuff, too....just looking for what you have to say.
