Thanks FY, scooby and TVS! Helps to know I'm not alone. My W goes up and down and all around when it comes to what she is willing to talk to me about. Some days she wants to hide everything (like changing the passwords for the email we shared for 15 years and I need access to for bills), other days she wants to talk and talk about everything going on in her life (some of which I really don't want to hear). She knows that I love her deeply. She knows I tried every way I knew how to be a good husband (most days)but will also bring up mistakes from long ago to justify her behavior now. Some days she will seek my touch (but will NEVER touch me)others, my touch is like hot coals to her.
The more that I give her space, don't get upset at her even over things that I have every right to get upset over, listen to her and validate her (never giving advice), the more relaxed she is around me (although never totally so). She is dealing with her grandmother losing her mind and having to move to a nursing home that she doesn't want to be in and I have given up much of my GAL activities as of late to allow her the time and space to help her and her mother deal with that. While she would NEVER thank me for it, I do think she sees this.
This morning she told me one of the few women she works with that are happily married and she calls a "friend" is going to be fired. The reasons? Well, the main one from what my wife has said is that she actually wants to spend time with her family and doesn't work "off the clock" like the single and divorced people. I really think one of the reasons that things got bad in my marriage is that since her work has become more and more important to my W, she has felt pressure from me to be more involved with me and the kids while at the same time her work and her work friends demand more and more of her time. This is why most of the people she works with are divorced I think.
Since going back to work my W has thrown herself into it. The kids are older (oldest is now 18, youngest 14)they don't need her as much and this is a big part of the mid-life adjustments men and women need to make. The inability to integrate this new part of their life without destroying the old is one of the reasons they are in crisis! For my wife it's made worse in that her dad refused to accept her when she was not working and his lack of attention and approval has haunted her all her life. Doesn't help that he now is encouraging her to leave her marriage so she can "grow"!
In some ways the fact that my W can be so open and "friendly" at times makes things somewhat harder in that it gives me hope that she may be "coming around" when in fact she has a long way to go. Doesn't help that my business is failing and has been and money is more than tight! Even before her MLC my W was always afraid of not having enough money, even when it wasn't a problem she was never comfortable and part of her wanting "control". I have offered for years to give her this control but she refuses as it 'freaks her out". It also allows her to blame me for any money problems even when she is the cause (not cheap to go through an MLC! Just the new clothes and sexy underwear bills are off the charts! :))
I'm trying as best I can to stop spinning, to keep my mind on the fact that I didn't cause this and I can't "fix" it. Knowing that there is nothing I can do to make it better or move faster while there are many, many ways I can make it worse is daunting at times. When she is being more open, it's hard not to think there may be a way to get her to understand what she is going through isn't about me or her marriage but I know that's not true. It's also hard in that it feels almost like I have to deal with 3 teenagers, one of whom is really 47 and there is nothing I can do to get her to listen!
I guess another thing that I'm trying to understand is why do I still love this woman as much as I do? This selfish behavior and the blaming me has been going on for years and before that I had to deal with 3 years of her depression, thoughts of suicide, inability to get out of bed most days. All through this I have loved her and still do. Now she wants to tell me that all her pain, all her depression, all her unhappiness is MY fault somehow and all she needs to do is get away from me and all will magically be happy and joyful and still I love her. I'm not afraid of being alone or never finding another person to spend my life with. I know that if I did get divorced there will be someone out there that I could start over with, be "happy" with (since I know my being happy or not isn't up to anyone but me)but still I want my W. Why? Even she has said "Maybe you'll find out you'll be happier when I'm gone". Why do I still care so darn much for a person who has made it clear I'm not good enough or worse I am the cause of all their pain?
