Here I Am Again!

[Missmygirl]

It's been another month and I'm still seeing slow improvements in things between my wife and I. Without getting bogged down in the details, I'll post some of what I have experienced.

My last post spoke of E headed out to spend time with her friends. I didn't ask her about anything at all. She ended up sending me a text while she was out. That hasn't happened in a very long time. She used to just disappear and I wouldn't hear from her until she returned just prior to or after sun up. That night, she was in our bed at 1:45. A very big change.

E doesn't pull away when I touch her. In fact, she'll let me run my fingers though her hair or massage her shoulders. She's even started holding my hand again at times. She's taken to wearing her wedding band again. I think I've seen her without it only once this month. I made certain that I never mentioned anything about it.

We make plans together, such as home improvement projects or family vacations. She even talks of things such as where we will live when I finally retire. All of her "future talk" contains scenarios where we are still together.

Sometimes I'll ask her out to lunch. When I do, I make sure to word my invitation like I used to before we were married when I would ask her out on a date. She seems to like that. I think it really communicates to her that I do not take her for granted and that I look at it as a privilege to ask her out. It's a statement to her that I highly value her. It's also giving her room to say "no". She isn't expected to do things with me. It's her choice as an independent woman to accept or decline.

We don't always agree on everything, but I am very careful to not let our disagreements develop into arguments. That seems to be helping as well. She doesn't seem pessimistic about us now.

One thing I have been struggling with lately, though is my feeling that she should apologize for what she did. I have made many apologies for my past actions and attitudes. However, she has never made an apology to me for her actions which hurt me. I need to figure out how to handle this within myself. I have been telling myself that forgiveness is a choice. Maybe I will have to choose over and over to forgive her for whatever I feel she did that was wrong. I really don't know. I DO know that if I focus on my perception that I was wronged, that will cause me to become angry or bitter or resentful. It certainly wouldn't be good.

I'm beginning to think we may be getting into the piecing stage. I'm trying to keep myself grounded. Have hope without expectations. Taking one day at a time. The good days are definitely out numbering the bad. I would like for us both to get counseling or take a class or course that would help us both build our marriage and help us safeguard it from the problems we have encountered. I haven't brought this up. I am certain it is way too soon to do this. I feel it will almost have to be her idea in order for her to get anything positive out of it.

You'll see in my signature that I end with a ? And that's because I haven't checked up on her in a LONG time. Part of me thinks this is good. The other part of me thinks this is naïveté. At times I want to dig. I haven't. I know this is a result of the damage done to the trust in our relationship. I'm not sure how long it will take for me to trust her again. Sometimes I wonder if I ever will. I think it's related to her not making any apologies. If anyone has some insight into this, please help me out here.

Overall, things are much better. I don't think we are out of the woods yet, but I don't think we are on the brink of divorce anymore. However, I know that we both don't want to just be married to someone, we both want to be married to our best friend. That BF is a person who loves us as we are and is someone in whom we have complete confidence. We feel safe with them. We each haven't made it to that point yet.