Today I had my counseling session and overall it was a disappointment.
In prior sessions, my wife has been the primarily one venting about all the issues she has had with me (mainly, I was absent due to work/school and mentally abusive). During those sessions I had basically tried to listen and validate her feelings.
So this session the counselor asked me to discuss how I felt neglected in the relationship. I brought up that throughout the marriage I felt that my wife was not interested in my life, refused to change her last name, not affectionate, critical, and unwilling to communicate/compromise. I gave concrete examples. What really triggered the conversation was that I told the counselor that it hurt that the things I desired from my wife she gave to OM at work. At first my wife denied that she had an affair but after the counselor asked her several follow up questions, my wife told me that needs OM in her life, that he is the only one she trusts and that she cannot make it in life if she ends the relationship. She was crying the whole time she said that. She then said that she does not trust me, that the last four weeks she felt disgusted each time I got near her, hold her hand, etc. That she feels no love towards me and that she cannot risk taking a chance on me.
The counselor did a good job in explaining how OM is immature, selfish and took advantaged of the situation. However, my wife almost had a nervous breakdown during the session (which was 2.5 hours long even though just scheduled for 1 hour). My wife kept mentioning how she cannot make it emotionally and that she feels like her life is falling apart. She said OM is the only one who understands her. The counselor tried to help my wife see that those limiting beliefs are false and that she is stronger. The counselor also pointed out that the marriage cannot be the focus now - that she believes my wife is seriously depressed and potentially bi-polar and needs to seek professional help. My wife said that she felt she was a prisoner with me and that she wants to be free. She mentioned several times how she felt it wasn't right that I advanced in my career while she stayed put.
I told my wife that I want her to be happy and that I believe she is able to accomplish anything. That said, I told her that OM was a deal-breaker and that I will not violated that boundary I set for myself. I told her I will support her in getting the help she needs but that I will be moving out and proceeding with the divorce.
When I told her that she told me that she did not want me to leave the house - that she wants me to stay. The counselor asked her if she would be willing to not talk to OM for the day if she wanted me to stay and she agreed. I was honestly ready to pack my stuff today and proceed with the divorce. I told her I would stay the night but cannot guarantee any other nights. I made it clear that OM is a boundary and that I will not try to make relationship work as long as he is in the picture.
My wife said she wanted to have another counseling session and scheduled it for next Tuesday. I told her that I don't know if I will attend as I don't see the point if OM is in her life but we would see how I feel the next several days.
Although I want to save this marriage - I cannot tolerate OM. I feel like my wife mislead me when she said she wanted to see if the marriage could be saved. I am so close to just calling my lawyer to end this. I don't want to have my hopes crushed again and go through the emotional trauma that 2013 was. I know hurt my wife in the past and I have done my best to do 180s - but my wife continues to hold on to the past, cannot forgive and seems unwillingly to take a chance.
I love my wife so much but given how the session went I feel like it is a lost cause. Any insights, suggestions and advice would be greatly appreciated.
